When I Can't Fix It.

The last couple weeks have been hard. I went to a 15 year old's funeral last week. He collapsed while he was playing basketball... playing basketball. A kid who was an excellent athlete, loved by so many, fun and respectful, gone way too soon. It doesn't make sense. I wish this was the only thing that happened, but you know that saying, when it rains, it pours? It's been pouring lately.

I'm a fixer. I love being able to put things back the way they should be. I love helping other people figure things out. I thrive in harmony and when things are the way they should be.

The last couple weeks have been full of things I can't fix and I hate it. I can't tell our students that their friend is coming back. I can't get rid of the cancer filling my friend's body. I can't fix any of it and it sucks.

Things are broken. The world is broken. Sometimes we have to sit among the broken things and realize we can't fix it. We have to sit among the situations that don't make sense.

We can't explain away the death of a 15 year old. We can't explain away cancer. Honestly, when we try, we can do a lot more harm then good.

I've realized the only thing I can do is pray and be there. I don't have any answers, I don't always know the right things to say, I don't have the ability to fix things, but I can be there. I've realized that sometimes I can get so caught up in trying to fix things and figure out solutions that I miss what I should really be doing...showing up and being present because sometimes things aren't fixable and all you can do is be there with the answers of this doesn't make sense, but you're not alone.

(After I wrote this I came upon a post that had perfect timing by Heather Plett about what it means to "hold space" for people and it's great...you can read it here)

Patience and Anticipation.

My word for 2015 is balance. You can hear more about that here, but this morning I've been thinking about, in what ways do I need to create balance? One thing that came to mind was with patience and anticipation. I am not great at patience. I can get really excited about something and want it to happen right then. I can really care about something and then when nothing happens right away convince myself that I don't really care anyway so I forget about it. I can get so caught up in what's to come or what I want to happen that I forget to stay present in the here and now. The more I thought about it, the more I realize I need to create that balance for waiting for what is to come and being fully alive and present in the here and now. I was reading Bread for the Journey by Henri Nouwen and this is what he says about patience:

Patience is a hard discipline. It is not just waiting until something happens over which we have no control, the arrival of the bus, the end of the rain, the return of a friend, the resolution of a conflict. Patience is not a waiting passivity until someone else does something. Patience asks us to live the moment to the fullest, to be completely present to the moment, to taste the here and now, to be where we are. When we are impatient we try to get away from where we are. We behave as if the real thing will happen tomorrow, later and somewhere else. Let's be patient and trust that the treasure we look for is hidden in the ground on which we stand. 

This year I want to choose to create balance in such a way that cultivates the discipline of patience. I want to live each moment to the fullest and to be completely present. I want to anticipate the future and dream, but I don't want to try and get away from where I am. I think there's a delicate balance that must be struck between the now and the not yet and it's looking like I may be figuring out what that looks like this year.

The past.

I recently read back through all my old blogs and let me tell you...if you need a reminder about how far you've come or want to see God's faithfulness, just go back through something you've written. There were times I thought, did I really write that? or I don't even remember that happening? or some that actually brought me to tears because the pain that happened at that moment came back so strong. There is a common theme and common struggles through all of my posts. I write a lot about my heart being broken with the pain I see around me and not knowing how to deal with that, I see a common series of events that led me to realizing I wanted to work somewhere like Harvest Hands, I see my insecurities and my struggles with failing, I am reminded of the pain I felt during and the struggles of college, I saw myself wrestle with being present, but most importantly I saw God's faithfulness.  Actually, I'm kinda blown away by it.

Whether I was writing about pain or about joys, about my victories or my mistakes, looking back I can see how God was there. Even in some dark times in my life where I refused to mention that God might be working through something, now I see where He was. God always showed up. My stupid self didn't always acknowledge that, but He was there.

Eugene Cho, Jake and Em's pastor, tweeted this and I think it is pretty inclusive of my feeling after reading back through the blogs of my last seven years of life:

How do we know God loves us? Because God knows EVERYTHING about us...and hasn't left. God still remains, still loves, & still pursues.

Praise the Lord that this is true. I'm thankful that I have something like this blog to remind me of that. Looking back through my past I could choose to feel guilt and shame or see where I was and really clung to God's promises and feel bad that I haven't been doing that lately, but we aren't supposed to live in the past. We have now, not then and we're moving forward, not backwards. So I choose to be reminded of where I've been, but choose to live each day fully alive now and continue moving forward remembering that God is love and God is faithful.