I recently read back through all my old blogs and let me tell you...if you need a reminder about how far you've come or want to see God's faithfulness, just go back through something you've written. There were times I thought, did I really write that? or I don't even remember that happening? or some that actually brought me to tears because the pain that happened at that moment came back so strong. There is a common theme and common struggles through all of my posts. I write a lot about my heart being broken with the pain I see around me and not knowing how to deal with that, I see a common series of events that led me to realizing I wanted to work somewhere like Harvest Hands, I see my insecurities and my struggles with failing, I am reminded of the pain I felt during and the struggles of college, I saw myself wrestle with being present, but most importantly I saw God's faithfulness. Actually, I'm kinda blown away by it.
Whether I was writing about pain or about joys, about my victories or my mistakes, looking back I can see how God was there. Even in some dark times in my life where I refused to mention that God might be working through something, now I see where He was. God always showed up. My stupid self didn't always acknowledge that, but He was there.
Eugene Cho, Jake and Em's pastor, tweeted this and I think it is pretty inclusive of my feeling after reading back through the blogs of my last seven years of life:
How do we know God loves us? Because God knows EVERYTHING about us...and hasn't left. God still remains, still loves, & still pursues.
Praise the Lord that this is true. I'm thankful that I have something like this blog to remind me of that. Looking back through my past I could choose to feel guilt and shame or see where I was and really clung to God's promises and feel bad that I haven't been doing that lately, but we aren't supposed to live in the past. We have now, not then and we're moving forward, not backwards. So I choose to be reminded of where I've been, but choose to live each day fully alive now and continue moving forward remembering that God is love and God is faithful.