Patience and Anticipation.

My word for 2015 is balance. You can hear more about that here, but this morning I've been thinking about, in what ways do I need to create balance? One thing that came to mind was with patience and anticipation. I am not great at patience. I can get really excited about something and want it to happen right then. I can really care about something and then when nothing happens right away convince myself that I don't really care anyway so I forget about it. I can get so caught up in what's to come or what I want to happen that I forget to stay present in the here and now. The more I thought about it, the more I realize I need to create that balance for waiting for what is to come and being fully alive and present in the here and now. I was reading Bread for the Journey by Henri Nouwen and this is what he says about patience:

Patience is a hard discipline. It is not just waiting until something happens over which we have no control, the arrival of the bus, the end of the rain, the return of a friend, the resolution of a conflict. Patience is not a waiting passivity until someone else does something. Patience asks us to live the moment to the fullest, to be completely present to the moment, to taste the here and now, to be where we are. When we are impatient we try to get away from where we are. We behave as if the real thing will happen tomorrow, later and somewhere else. Let's be patient and trust that the treasure we look for is hidden in the ground on which we stand. 

This year I want to choose to create balance in such a way that cultivates the discipline of patience. I want to live each moment to the fullest and to be completely present. I want to anticipate the future and dream, but I don't want to try and get away from where I am. I think there's a delicate balance that must be struck between the now and the not yet and it's looking like I may be figuring out what that looks like this year.

Dreams & Goals.

I've realized I have become content with life, but probably almost to the point of complacency. Someone asked me the other day what my goals were. I really couldn't answer. I don't think because I don't have goals, but because I have just been content where I am that I haven't thought much going forward. This is good and bad. It's good because I really am content where I am. I know myself and I know that I can get caught up in what is to come and the next thing and I don't want that to happen. I've already spent a majority of my life wishing it way, thinking that as soon as I got to college things would be even better and then thinking once I got out of college life will be awesome. It took me awhile to discover the importance of being present.

I was blessed to get the job I dreamed of as soon as I graduated from college. I think in some way I thought, "well...this is it." I'm here and I'll just be content doing this forever. There's a few problems with this. First, my identity became wrapped up in this job. If I would have lost my job for whatever reason I think I would have thought my life was over. I came to have good boundaries and that even though what I do is so ingrained in who I am, it does not define me.

I can have other dreams and goals. I do have other dreams and goals. I think I just have to rediscover them. Many of these dreams and goals revolve around my current job, but others just have to do with life. I've realized too what I would say my dreams were five years ago aren't the same today. Partly because some of these have come true and partly because I have changed and that is why life is so incredible awesome.

We are on a journey. Our goals and dreams can change. I may have different dreams and goals in five years and that's okay. I think we are supposed to live within this tension of being fully present, but also working towards goals and realizing it is perfectly okay to dream.

So as I sit here snacking on my caramel corn rice snacks and enjoying my last night before classes start again, I decided to share a few goals and dreams I have (but not too many because if I publish everything on this blog no one will ever have to talk to me about them in person) ;)

- I want to visit every state in the US. I currently am at 37 so I'm not off to a bad start.

- I want to make a difference.

- I want to use my creativity to produce a great piece of work. I'm not sure what this would be yet. TBD.

- I want to finish grad school, preferable alive and thriving.

- I want to love people so well they can't help but ask why?

- I want to swim with dolphins.

- I want to visit Italy, Ireland, Australia, New Zealand, Israel and Greece. (This list could go on and on, I basically want to travel everywhere)

There's a lot more, but for the time being I think they're best kept in my head and my heart.

I hope you know you're free to dream. Free to dream and aspire to achieve your goals, but take it from someone who learned it the hard way...don't forget to be present and to fully live right where you are too.