Dreams & Goals.

I've realized I have become content with life, but probably almost to the point of complacency. Someone asked me the other day what my goals were. I really couldn't answer. I don't think because I don't have goals, but because I have just been content where I am that I haven't thought much going forward. This is good and bad. It's good because I really am content where I am. I know myself and I know that I can get caught up in what is to come and the next thing and I don't want that to happen. I've already spent a majority of my life wishing it way, thinking that as soon as I got to college things would be even better and then thinking once I got out of college life will be awesome. It took me awhile to discover the importance of being present.

I was blessed to get the job I dreamed of as soon as I graduated from college. I think in some way I thought, "well...this is it." I'm here and I'll just be content doing this forever. There's a few problems with this. First, my identity became wrapped up in this job. If I would have lost my job for whatever reason I think I would have thought my life was over. I came to have good boundaries and that even though what I do is so ingrained in who I am, it does not define me.

I can have other dreams and goals. I do have other dreams and goals. I think I just have to rediscover them. Many of these dreams and goals revolve around my current job, but others just have to do with life. I've realized too what I would say my dreams were five years ago aren't the same today. Partly because some of these have come true and partly because I have changed and that is why life is so incredible awesome.

We are on a journey. Our goals and dreams can change. I may have different dreams and goals in five years and that's okay. I think we are supposed to live within this tension of being fully present, but also working towards goals and realizing it is perfectly okay to dream.

So as I sit here snacking on my caramel corn rice snacks and enjoying my last night before classes start again, I decided to share a few goals and dreams I have (but not too many because if I publish everything on this blog no one will ever have to talk to me about them in person) ;)

- I want to visit every state in the US. I currently am at 37 so I'm not off to a bad start.

- I want to make a difference.

- I want to use my creativity to produce a great piece of work. I'm not sure what this would be yet. TBD.

- I want to finish grad school, preferable alive and thriving.

- I want to love people so well they can't help but ask why?

- I want to swim with dolphins.

- I want to visit Italy, Ireland, Australia, New Zealand, Israel and Greece. (This list could go on and on, I basically want to travel everywhere)

There's a lot more, but for the time being I think they're best kept in my head and my heart.

I hope you know you're free to dream. Free to dream and aspire to achieve your goals, but take it from someone who learned it the hard way...don't forget to be present and to fully live right where you are too.

Puzzle.

If you ask some people that know me they will tell you...I am always thinking. I never realized how true this was until a friend of mine one day said, "Abby, do you realize how much you think! You're always starting a sentence...I was thinking the other day." I thought this was normal. My response was something along the lines of, "Yeah, doesn't everyone have a million thoughts going on in your head all the time?" Apparently not. Well with all these thoughts, facts, observations, opinions and questions that go on in my head I always love when I hear someone say something that just clicks. I don't know if I can explain it besides the fact that when I hear it, it's almost like a puzzle piece that has been floating around inside my head found its place in the puzzle.

This happened when I read Shane Claiborne's book, The Irresistible Revolution, this happened when I attended my first CCDA conference, it happens when I read Rachel Held Evans' blog, it happens when I have certain conversations or spend time with certain people in my life. That moment that I hear something from someone or experience something and it just makes sense.

A few weeks ago I had the pleasure of spending time with a few people who are connected with CCDA and I was sharing how I was reminded of how just randomly one day in college I had the overwhelming urge that I wanted to start a church that was also a community center that provided resources for that community and that I would live in that same community. This just made sense to me. I thought this was an original idea...and then I attended the CCDA conference, which that is exactly their model and like a puzzle...another piece was put in place.

Well, I was sharing this and my new friend said something like, "It's interesting with all my work within Christian Community Development it seems like there's something inherent in a remnant of people where it just makes sense. It doesn't make sense to approach ministry any other way and it's hard to understand how people don't get it."

He described me perfectly. Another piece in place. I've never quite been able to explain this calling on my life and why I do what I do. It's almost like I can't help it. I truly and honestly believe that living in the community where I work is so important...no matter what work I do.

I'm thankful today that another piece of the puzzle was put in place. I'm thankful for people who are so much more articulate than I am (because let's be real...I struggle) who share their opinions and share truth so I can have these, "Aha...me too!" moments.  I'm thankful that my mind is a puzzle and that we're created to keep on discovering things. I'm thankful that I'm realizing I will never have everything figured out and that's okay.

Friends Part 3

About two years ago I thought about writing a book about friendship. It's just one of my favorite things. With friendship I have community, I learn more about myself, I learn what it means to just be present with someone and how showing up is sometimes all the fixing you need to do, I learn the power of the two words, "me too", I have so much fun and through friendship I am reminded of God's love. I threw my book idea out the window when I realized other people already realized these things and have beat me to it. It's cool...now I just get to discover those writings and realize someone else is way more articulate than I am, so I'll leave the book writing up to someone else. Well, I read one of those writings from Nouwen (one of my favorites) in Bread for the Journey. I already wrote one of the things he says about friendship, but here's another.

"No two friends are the same. Each has his or her own gift for us. When we expect one friend to have all we need, we will always be hypercritical, never completely happy with what he or she does have. One friend may offer us affection, another may stimulate our minds, another may strengthen our souls. The more able we are to receive the different gifts our friends have to give us, the more able we will be to offer our own unique but limited gifts. Thus, friendships create a beautiful tapestry of love."

Reading this resulted in another weirded out moment of...how does someone write out exactly what I have thought, but said it so much better!?! But, this is a thought I have wrestled with for a long time. I so easily get sucked into the comparison game and can see in others what I wish I had, or see someone's friendship and wish I was that kind of friend with them, but after I truly realized that it is a waste of time and that comparison is the thief of joy I felt so much freedom.

Everyone is different, therefore, friendships will be different. I can't look at my friendship with one person and expect it to be the same with the next person because those two people are different. And that, my friends, is a beautiful, beautiful thing.  I wish more and more people realized this. There would be so much more freedom in friendship if we realized each person is different, no two relationships look the same, and we each have our own unique gifts to bring.

This is also why you'll never see me competing for someone's attention. I saw that game played growing up and I think at a really early age I realized how much I didn't want to do that. I remember being in elementary school and thinking, why can't everyone just love each other and be friends? How come girls have to get upset about who is friends with who? I'm thankful that I learned that early because as you grow up, not a lot changes.

I am who I am. I know who I am. I offer myself and all I can to my friends. It looks different sometimes to different people. I cannot lose time wondering how to have the same relationship with someone that others have because I am only me. Not much is gained from trying to compete to be "the best" so that people can like you the most. I've realized it's a lot less exhausting and a lot more rewarding to be who you are. The right people are going to come in your life and love you. Don't waste time trying to be someone else or wish your friendship was just like someone else's. Just be who you are.

Friends part 2

Confession: I get a little weirded out when I read other blogs or open the daily reading I do and it's exactly what I've been thinking about, blogging about or having conversations with people about. So all that to say, I have been thinking a lot about friends these days. Every day (okay...almost every day) I read Henri Nouwen's Bread for the Journey which just have daily thoughts. The last few days have been blowin' my mind with how relevant they've been to what's going on in my head, but I wanted to share yesterday's.

"We need friends. Friends guide us, care for us, confront us in love, console us in times of pain. Although we speak of "making friends," friends cannot be made. Friends are free gifts from God. But God gives us the friends we need when we need them if we fully trust in Gods love. Friends cannot replace God. They have limitations and weaknesses like we have. Their love is never faultless, never complete. But in their limitations they can be signposts on our journey toward the unlimited and unconditional love of God. Let's enjoy the friends God has sent on our way."

Thankful for friendship and the fact that my friends are signposts on my journey toward the unlimited and unconditional love of God.

Friends.

I seriously have the greatest friends.

Today Whitney led devotion for staff meeting and talked about how we have experienced Christ's love in our lives. I said I am always reminded of Christ's love for me when I think of my friendships and how it always seems that God brings the perfect friends into my life right when I need them.

Looking back and presently God has brought friends into my life right when I needed them. Some friendships lasted only a season, other friends were people I never thought I would be friends with, and others are forever friends.

I just love friendship. It is a gift and not something I take for granted. Some days though remind me just how important friends are and how much I need them.

Today was not a good day. I woke up anxious and started the day right away trying not to fall back into a habit of anxiety attacks. Today is a day I could not have completed well alone.

My friends shine on days like today and I am reminded that I am blessed.

Friendship today looked like a text saying I'm proud of you. Friendship today looked like wine, gummy bears, chocolate kisses and a note showing up on my doorstep. Friendship today looked like a funny email sent to cheer me up. Friendship today looked like a "how's the project going" message. Friendship today looked like an errand being run for me to make my life easier.

I hope and pray that I am half as good of a friend as my friends are to me.