Lies.

I've been reminded lately how we are surrounded day in and day out by lies. Some of the them are so common and subtle that we don't even notice we are taking them in. Others stare us in the face, but we believe them. I don't want to sit across from a teenage girl and listen to her tell me she will never amount to anything because that's what those around her tell her. I don't want to sit across from a friend and listen to her tell me she is ugly and no one will ever think she's beautiful. I don't want to sit across from a child and listen to her tell me she hates herself.

I hear these things all the time. It hurts me to hear people believe these lies. But then I look at myself and realize how often I believe these lies. How many times have I thought to myself that I am anything but beautiful? How many times have I believed that I will never really do anything with my life?

Lies. Lies. Lies.

I want to sit across from this teenage girl and tell her she will amount to something because she is smart, she has the kindest, selfless heart of any teenager I've ever met, and she loves deeply. I want to sit across from my friend and tell her she's more beautiful than she will ever know. I want to sit across from this child and tell her she is loved, she is beautiful, she was created for a purpose by a God that loves her more than me or anyone around her ever will and she is good.

I want to whisper truth across the souls of these precious and wonderful people. I want them to know they were created for a reason, that they are part of a bigger story, and that they belong to a God who fiercely loves them. I can say this with confidence because I struggle with these very things and I have felt that still, small voice whisper across my soul that I am beautiful, I am loved and I was meant to live and live life abundantly.

Beloved.

I've had it for awhile. It's not something I displayed on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram because I didn't get it for anyone else. Yup, I got a tattoo. I've had it for a few months, but it wasn't something I felt like sharing with the world wide web because it was deeply personal to me. Opinions vary about tattoos, which is part of the reason it took me so long to get it. I wasn't sure what others would think, but then I just got to the point where, quite honestly, I didn't care. There are not many things in my life that I have done just because I wanted to and didn't consider anyone else's opinion, but this is one of them and I love it.

Beloved. One who is dearly loved. This word echos through my soul when I feel like I'm just not quite good enough. It resounds in my spirit when I feel like I fail at this journey of life. It is a constant reminder that I am Christ's beloved. I am his and he is mine. My identity rests in that. I do not live for the approval of others. I live because I am loved by God. Out of that love I am able to live life abundantly, I am able to have confidence in who I am created to be, and I am empowered to love others well.

This stretch of ink on my arm is not just a permanent mark...it is a constant reminder of who I am and what defines me. It is a constant reminder that I want to show those around me who they belong to and let them know that they too are dearly loved.

Attune.

Life has been hectic. I flipped back to my March calendar the other day and got tired just looking at how full it was.

Since school has started I'm realizing that there's always something on the to-do list. There is always something I could be doing. I already think a million miles a minute so being in school has just added another million things to think about. I saw something that said a girl's brain is like looking at a browser window and there's 2,000 windows open. That's pretty much how I feel, all the time.

This is not conducive to rest and I have felt prodding in my spirit lately that I'm just missing something in my life, but would could it be when I am enjoying life, school is good, work is keeping me busy and all seems to be well? The word attune kept popping into my head during this time and when I actually took the time to stop this weekend and just sit in silence, lets just say, the walls came tumbling down.

Attune means, "To bring into a harmonious or responsive relationship." This means there's two things involved, you can't be attuned by yourself, it's in relationship with something else. I've noticed the last few months that I have just been going, I have been attune to so many things and in some ways becoming someone I did not recognize. I was surprised by my critical attitude, my negativity and my selfishness. I was attune to what others were feeling and what they were thinking of me and to this perception I have of this perfect person who should just do it all. I was attune to social media and the world outside of my own, which can be good, but for me it helped me block out other things.

When I finally sat in silence and thought about all that had gone on, I didn't like what I saw and really, it was exhausting. I had to ask myself who or what is that other thing I'm going to bring into a harmonious or responsive relationship with myself?

I choose for this to be Jesus and I so easily forget that. Being in tune with Jesus produces great things. It allows me to attune to love, joy, peace and selflessness. 

It gives me a lens to see the world in which I know that I am meant to love people well and accept them for who they are. It gives me a lens to see the world in which we are all a part of this story here, where each and every person has worth and value. It gives me a lens to see that you cannot operate out of constantly trying to gain the approval of others. It gives me a lens to see that God's Kingdom is here and now and asking myself what I am doing to be a part of engaging in those relationships and activities that bring, even if just a little, hope and peace into this broken world.

(I wrote this a week or two ago, but didn't publish it because I felt like I didn't want people to know my struggles, but now two weeks later I want to share. I feel like every so often I have a "shed my skin" moment. Like how a snake sheds it's skin? I think God does that with me...a refining process that needs to happen so I'm brought back to what really matters and where the old goes away and the new comes. A refining process that reminds me what I really need to be attune to.)

Confessions.

So I used to be embarrassed about certain things about myself. Some things are silly habits or things I like or my personal opinions or just what I really think about God, life, politics, theology, sports, etc. I made sure only the "right" people knew certain things or told only the people I didn't think would judge me particular things...well I've grown up a lot over the last few years. One of my favorite quotes is from e.e. Cummings and it says, "It takes courage to grow up to become who you really are." I'm learning it's true, it does take courage.

It's a risk to show your true self to people. People may not like what they see, they may judge you, or they may disagree with your thoughts on an issue and you know...that's okay. It's exhausting and hard to be someone you're not. I've learned that the hard way. It's exhausting and hard to put a face on for all the different groups you're a part of and make sure you say the right things to the right people. I've learned that the hard way too. It's exhausting and hard to try and please everyone and make sure everyone else is always happy all the time. I've learned that the hard way too.

So...maybe I feel like it might be slightly therapeutic to confess to the world wide web some of these silly habits or things I like or my personal opinions, or maybe I'm just dumb for thinking anyone wants to read these confessions, but hey, it's my blog. I'll do what I want.

Confession #1: I have no self-control when it comes to certain things including but not limited to...buying music off Amazon and iTunes, watching TV shows, biting my fingernails (this goes in spurts), reading the celebrity stories on people.com, the inability to stop reading a good book and staying up until 3 in the morning, and eating popcorn (it's just addicting once you start, you can't stop, ya know?).

Confession #2: Because of confession #1. I have to limit the amount of TV shows I let myself get into to. I currently have two, The Vampire Diaries and Scandal...and catching up on Jimmy Fallon on Hulu sometimes, and New Girl sometimes, and The Voice since that's back on now, well...okay you see? No self-control. Remember when I said I only told certain people things about me? Watching The Vampire Diaries used to be one of them, but now I just don't really care. Put your judgey eyes on...yes I enjoy watching the dramatic love triangle of the beautiful people of Mystic Falls.

Confession #3: I honestly think I can be pretty funny. Not everyone knows I'm funny, but when someone acknowledges it, it makes my day. My mom even texted me the other day..."you have gotten funnier over the years." (I know she's my mom, but still.) But seriously...laughing and making people laugh is one of my most favorite things.

Confession #4: I keep a love list. It's on my phone and anytime I do something or something happens that I just stop and realize I love, I write it down. Then I think about why I loved it and what about it felt so life-giving. You should try it.

Confession #5: I keep old letters and notes of encouragement and read them randomly. When I'm having a bad day or not feeling the best about myself I pull out old notes that I've kept throughout the years to remind myself I'm loved and I don't need to have a pity party for myself.

Okay, enough transparency for today. These are pretty silly, but now you know. Maybe I'll make this a regular occurrence or maybe not. I'm on a roll with blogging at the moment, which probably means I have two papers to write, three books to read and a discussion post to make...

Goodness.

Blogging has become my favorite form of procrastination. You would think it would be something a little more mindless (which my other favorite form of procrastination is watching clips of Jimmy Fallon on Hulu, so that's pretty mindless) but anyway...sometimes I just have random thoughts tumbling around in my head so I've taken to writing them here instead of the notes section on my phone (except there's still probably 100+ random thoughts there too).

Today I was reminded in a couple different ways that there are still good people in the world. I wouldn't say I've become cynical or even have the opinion that no one goes above and beyond for anyone anymore, but reminders of people's goodness are refreshing. For example...

I didn't have enough cash to pay for my stamps at the post office and I didn't want to put that little amount on a credit card. The post office worker told me not to worry about it and he would cover it for me.

I asked a classmate for help on creating something for a group project (he's in the other group) and not only did he say he would help...he gave step by step instructions and offered to video chat to explain it more in depth if I couldn't figure it out. He had no reason to answer my email or help me out, but he did. It might be bad that sometimes I'm shocked at how nice the people I've met in my program through Eastern are, but I've just been so impressed and blessed by the authenticity of my classmates and how genuine they all are.

At the bank, the teller greeted me by name and asked how I was doing and made sure I got a dum-dum, because she knows I love them. (some of you more cynical folk may say she was just doing her job and it's good for business...but I choose to believe her because of the joy and sincerity she expresses)

It makes me look at myself and ask if I've surprised anyone lately by the goodness and kindness I've shown them? Honestly, probably not. These days I think I can get so caught up in what I have to get done and the busyness of life, I rush past those around me. I'm so sorry for that. That's not who I am nor who I want to be.

Every day I want to do something that can restore someone's faith in the goodness of people, every day I want to  go out of my way to do something I really "don't" have to do but do it because it's right and kind, every day I want to choose to not let the world rush by or go through the day without stopping to take notice of the people around me. Every day I want to end the day knowing I lived that day well.