Keep Breathing.

It's been a season of life where there's a lot going on. A season of life where if I'm not doing something I know I'm two seconds away from realizing what should be done. A season of life where I feel like I have a balance and then the next day I don't. A season of life where I am doing things I never thought I could or would do. A season of life where I'm growing a whole lot. In this season it's easy to forget to breathe. It's easy to forget to breathe deep. It's easy to get so overwhelmed. It's easy to feel like I'm doing so many things, but nothing well. It's easy to feel like I'm a not so great friend, employee, student and family member because it's all just too much.

I have to remind myself to breathe these days. Sometimes I just have to take a minute and sit in my car away from all the noise, the to-do lists, the due dates, the emails and just take a few deep breaths. I have to remind myself who gives me these breaths to breathe each day. With each deep breathe I remind myself I cannot do this by myself.

These days the words of one of my favorite songs resound in my head...All that I know is I'm breathing...all I can do is keep breathing...all we can do is keep breathing.

Some days all I can do is remind myself to breathe and remember who gives me these breaths to breathe each day. Just keep breathing.

The past.

I recently read back through all my old blogs and let me tell you...if you need a reminder about how far you've come or want to see God's faithfulness, just go back through something you've written. There were times I thought, did I really write that? or I don't even remember that happening? or some that actually brought me to tears because the pain that happened at that moment came back so strong. There is a common theme and common struggles through all of my posts. I write a lot about my heart being broken with the pain I see around me and not knowing how to deal with that, I see a common series of events that led me to realizing I wanted to work somewhere like Harvest Hands, I see my insecurities and my struggles with failing, I am reminded of the pain I felt during and the struggles of college, I saw myself wrestle with being present, but most importantly I saw God's faithfulness.  Actually, I'm kinda blown away by it.

Whether I was writing about pain or about joys, about my victories or my mistakes, looking back I can see how God was there. Even in some dark times in my life where I refused to mention that God might be working through something, now I see where He was. God always showed up. My stupid self didn't always acknowledge that, but He was there.

Eugene Cho, Jake and Em's pastor, tweeted this and I think it is pretty inclusive of my feeling after reading back through the blogs of my last seven years of life:

How do we know God loves us? Because God knows EVERYTHING about us...and hasn't left. God still remains, still loves, & still pursues.

Praise the Lord that this is true. I'm thankful that I have something like this blog to remind me of that. Looking back through my past I could choose to feel guilt and shame or see where I was and really clung to God's promises and feel bad that I haven't been doing that lately, but we aren't supposed to live in the past. We have now, not then and we're moving forward, not backwards. So I choose to be reminded of where I've been, but choose to live each day fully alive now and continue moving forward remembering that God is love and God is faithful.

Seasons.

I love the four seasons. I love looking forward to the seasons changing and knowing that even though I'm dying of heat in August that relief will be coming. It's something to count on. Even though the weather can be screwy, you know the seasons will change at some point. Fall.

Winter.

Spring.

Summer.

I'm coming to realize that in life we have seasons too. This may seem like to some of you an, of course, moment, but to me, someone who leans towards the comfortable and consistent, I've spent a lot of time resisting the change. I've spent a lot of time over thinking (because I over think everything) why things have to change and wishing they were the way they were before, but I've come to realize....that's just now how life works.

Life changes. People change. Situations change. Some things are in your control, some things are not. My perspective is changing from not understanding this ebb and flow, to a perspective of looking forward to it.

For example, I hate summer. Seriously, just thinking about it makes me sweat and get angry. I hate being hot and in Nashville...it gets hot and humid. It's not even enjoyable to be outside. It's awful. Anyway...I'm trying to appreciate summer though because I think without summer I wouldn't appreciate fall as much and I love fall. The cooler nights, the pumpkin scents and flavors, homemade applesauce, bonfires, scarves and boots, football, hot cider...oh the list goes on!

I think we go through seasons of life that we hate, that when we're going through them we don't understand why, that when it's happening all we can think of is when will this be over? I think we go through seasons of life that are easy and everything seems to be working out great. I think we go through seasons where change happens and it's hard and sometimes unwelcome and even when it's welcome, it can be hard.

But I also think that's how life works. Life is made up of seasons. Life is an ebb and flow and it changes. Embracing all these seasons of life has allowed me to fully live.

Dreams & Goals.

I've realized I have become content with life, but probably almost to the point of complacency. Someone asked me the other day what my goals were. I really couldn't answer. I don't think because I don't have goals, but because I have just been content where I am that I haven't thought much going forward. This is good and bad. It's good because I really am content where I am. I know myself and I know that I can get caught up in what is to come and the next thing and I don't want that to happen. I've already spent a majority of my life wishing it way, thinking that as soon as I got to college things would be even better and then thinking once I got out of college life will be awesome. It took me awhile to discover the importance of being present.

I was blessed to get the job I dreamed of as soon as I graduated from college. I think in some way I thought, "well...this is it." I'm here and I'll just be content doing this forever. There's a few problems with this. First, my identity became wrapped up in this job. If I would have lost my job for whatever reason I think I would have thought my life was over. I came to have good boundaries and that even though what I do is so ingrained in who I am, it does not define me.

I can have other dreams and goals. I do have other dreams and goals. I think I just have to rediscover them. Many of these dreams and goals revolve around my current job, but others just have to do with life. I've realized too what I would say my dreams were five years ago aren't the same today. Partly because some of these have come true and partly because I have changed and that is why life is so incredible awesome.

We are on a journey. Our goals and dreams can change. I may have different dreams and goals in five years and that's okay. I think we are supposed to live within this tension of being fully present, but also working towards goals and realizing it is perfectly okay to dream.

So as I sit here snacking on my caramel corn rice snacks and enjoying my last night before classes start again, I decided to share a few goals and dreams I have (but not too many because if I publish everything on this blog no one will ever have to talk to me about them in person) ;)

- I want to visit every state in the US. I currently am at 37 so I'm not off to a bad start.

- I want to make a difference.

- I want to use my creativity to produce a great piece of work. I'm not sure what this would be yet. TBD.

- I want to finish grad school, preferable alive and thriving.

- I want to love people so well they can't help but ask why?

- I want to swim with dolphins.

- I want to visit Italy, Ireland, Australia, New Zealand, Israel and Greece. (This list could go on and on, I basically want to travel everywhere)

There's a lot more, but for the time being I think they're best kept in my head and my heart.

I hope you know you're free to dream. Free to dream and aspire to achieve your goals, but take it from someone who learned it the hard way...don't forget to be present and to fully live right where you are too.

Puzzle.

If you ask some people that know me they will tell you...I am always thinking. I never realized how true this was until a friend of mine one day said, "Abby, do you realize how much you think! You're always starting a sentence...I was thinking the other day." I thought this was normal. My response was something along the lines of, "Yeah, doesn't everyone have a million thoughts going on in your head all the time?" Apparently not. Well with all these thoughts, facts, observations, opinions and questions that go on in my head I always love when I hear someone say something that just clicks. I don't know if I can explain it besides the fact that when I hear it, it's almost like a puzzle piece that has been floating around inside my head found its place in the puzzle.

This happened when I read Shane Claiborne's book, The Irresistible Revolution, this happened when I attended my first CCDA conference, it happens when I read Rachel Held Evans' blog, it happens when I have certain conversations or spend time with certain people in my life. That moment that I hear something from someone or experience something and it just makes sense.

A few weeks ago I had the pleasure of spending time with a few people who are connected with CCDA and I was sharing how I was reminded of how just randomly one day in college I had the overwhelming urge that I wanted to start a church that was also a community center that provided resources for that community and that I would live in that same community. This just made sense to me. I thought this was an original idea...and then I attended the CCDA conference, which that is exactly their model and like a puzzle...another piece was put in place.

Well, I was sharing this and my new friend said something like, "It's interesting with all my work within Christian Community Development it seems like there's something inherent in a remnant of people where it just makes sense. It doesn't make sense to approach ministry any other way and it's hard to understand how people don't get it."

He described me perfectly. Another piece in place. I've never quite been able to explain this calling on my life and why I do what I do. It's almost like I can't help it. I truly and honestly believe that living in the community where I work is so important...no matter what work I do.

I'm thankful today that another piece of the puzzle was put in place. I'm thankful for people who are so much more articulate than I am (because let's be real...I struggle) who share their opinions and share truth so I can have these, "Aha...me too!" moments.  I'm thankful that my mind is a puzzle and that we're created to keep on discovering things. I'm thankful that I'm realizing I will never have everything figured out and that's okay.