Reality vs. Expectations

I have been called out recently. Called out in a way that brought attention to something I didn't even realize but as this person said it, I could only nod and agree. She said, "in one hand you have your life as you thought it would be. You have your life as you expected it would be, as the person you think you should be and doing what is expected of you. This is who you think you should or could be. In the other hand, you have your life. Your real life, with everything you've accomplished, struggled with, and face every day. This is who you are and the life and circumstances that are shaping you into who you're becoming. You aren't accepting your reality and reconciling these expectations with your reality. And really your reality is a good reality!"

This was so true. I didn't even realize how I was struggling with accepting my reality. My life has not really turned out the way I expected. In many ways it's like all I planned to do and thought I would do have been thrown out the window. I have had the opportunity to do things I feel like I don't deserve and have been fortunate to do so many good things. I kinda struggle with that in a way I'm not fully even able to explain. I desire things I thought I would have and try to bring things with me from the past that I thought were good. I never realized how much time I've wasted on this. How much time I've wasted on letting my expectations rule over my reality.

When we allow our expectations to rule our decisions and our mind, we miss out on our reality. We miss out on what's right in front of us. We miss out on realizing that the opportunities we have been given are just that, opportunities! I don't want my life to be ruled by my expectations. I want to fully live in my reality and not the "what could be or should be", but by what is.

Running.

I've started running. Never in my life would I think those words would come out...like ever. I always admired people who could run long distances and who enjoyed running, but I have never understood it. Honestly, I haven't made it to the point where I understand people who really love running. (maybe I'll get there someday? Although I'm three months in and have yet to experience this so-called "runners high" people talk about it...I'll believe it when I feel it myself). Thanks to my wonderful friend Jessica, who if it wasn't for her I wouldn't even be writing this because I would of quit when the Couch 2 5K training said run for 8 minutes straight (my response when I heard that = I'm sorry, what did you just say?), who encourages me when I say I'm going to quit, who made me realize it's not okay just to quit something because you're not  good at it and who accepts me and all my complaining each morning, we now successfully run about 3 miles a few times every week. Anyway...because I needed a break from homework, because I like lists and because I was thinking about running randomly and how I have to wake up here soon to do just that here is my Top Ten Random Running List of Thoughts/Experiences/Ideas/etc...

1. I am learning how much running is a mental thing. I used to wake up so anxious about the day's run because I didn't think I could do it and I'm learning how to work through my anxiety when it comes to running. Also, the things that go on in my head while I'm running from my self pep talks, to my observations of the neighborhood, to my random thoughts could probably be turned into a sitcom that would either be highly entertaining or make you slightly worry about my mental state.

2. There are a lot of hills in Nashville. When you're just driving around you may disagree, but run that same route and then we can talk about if Nashville is hilly or not.

3. I would like to publicly thank the Beyonce Pandora station as well as the Justin Timberlake Pandora station for being my ever encouraging companions on these endeavors.

4. Running is hard. I thought it would get easier and I guess it has, but it's still hard. Some runs are easier than others, some days just suck and I say I'm never doing it again, other days I think it's not too bad. Kinda like life...oh, you don't even want to know how many parallels between running and life go through my head every morning, I could basically start my own blog about those.

5. Running gives you a common bond with other people who run. It's like you're now in a secret society. One day I had a whole conversation with my friend about running and after it was over I thought, "Who am I and since when could I hold my own in a conversation about running?". I always felt like part of the out group when I was around runners and even though I run now, I'm pretty sure I haven't quite made it into the 'in group". (I think you have to experience and probably document via social media that runner's high you get to be in that group or actually complete a race)

6. My favorite thing on runs is when we pass by random people who encourage us. One guy told us next year we would be running the NYC marathon...not gonna happen sir, but we really appreciate the encouragement.

7. We had to invest in pepper spray...not because of people, but because of stray dogs.

8. The city graveyard is a really pretty and peaceful place to run. (Thank you Brian and Courtney for this insight)

9. I am signed up to run two 5K's next week...the first 5K's in my life I will have run the whole thing and first 5K's since i've started training. I didn't realize they are in the same week until about 5 minutes ago. Well...go big or go home, right? (maybe this means I'm that much closer to being in the "in group" of running...OMG!!)

10. I am proud of myself. I think I can say that without coming across as too proud or full of myself. It's exciting to be able to say you've done something you never thought you would or even were capable of doing. I may question that capability each time I put on those running shoes, but I've done it and I'm doing it and as ugly or slow as some of those runs can be, I do it and that's what I focus on.

(disclaimer: please don't compare this to one of those people you dread seeing on social media who are always commenting on how great their workout was or who is always checked into the gym or someone who is seeking a pat on the back for the fact that they're actually working out. 1. I would never comment about how great a workout is, because let's be real, workouts aren't that great. 2. I don't have a gym to check into. 3. I mean, feel free to pat me on the back if you want.)

Today I had a choice.

Life has been overwhelming lately. I don't always know what to do when it gets this way because it's overwhelmed with so many good things. I love what I'm learning in grad school, I enjoy doing my job, and it's so life giving to spend time with people, but it's reached a point where it's a lot. I have felt paralyzed with it all lately. So anxious about all there is to do, I feel like I can't do anything. This morning I realized I had a choice in how to deal with all this so I wrote a letter to myself (weird? Maybe...but it worked) Abby, you can choose to let anxiety and fear run your day or you can chose to let peace and wisdom run your day today. Stop being paralyzed by the anxiety you're allowing to creep into your life. Take a deep breath, remember you can't do this by yourself, choose to make this a productive day and take one thing at a time. Be flexible, be mindful, work hard, take deep breaths, and remember God has got you and wants to be the source you tap into for your strength. 

So after this little self-talk I decided to choose peace, to choose wisdom and to choose productivity and by the grace of God I made it through today. Everything there is to be done is still there, nothing has changed with my workload, but today I choose peace, wisdom and productivity and a peace that surpasses understanding is currently covering my life.

So be encouraged today friends, be encouraged that you're not alone. Be encouraged that you can choose peace. Be encouraged that a peace that surpasses understanding can cover your life too.

Keep Breathing.

It's been a season of life where there's a lot going on. A season of life where if I'm not doing something I know I'm two seconds away from realizing what should be done. A season of life where I feel like I have a balance and then the next day I don't. A season of life where I am doing things I never thought I could or would do. A season of life where I'm growing a whole lot. In this season it's easy to forget to breathe. It's easy to forget to breathe deep. It's easy to get so overwhelmed. It's easy to feel like I'm doing so many things, but nothing well. It's easy to feel like I'm a not so great friend, employee, student and family member because it's all just too much.

I have to remind myself to breathe these days. Sometimes I just have to take a minute and sit in my car away from all the noise, the to-do lists, the due dates, the emails and just take a few deep breaths. I have to remind myself who gives me these breaths to breathe each day. With each deep breathe I remind myself I cannot do this by myself.

These days the words of one of my favorite songs resound in my head...All that I know is I'm breathing...all I can do is keep breathing...all we can do is keep breathing.

Some days all I can do is remind myself to breathe and remember who gives me these breaths to breathe each day. Just keep breathing.

Unafraid.

I've realized lately how much of my life has been dictated by fear. My fear of failing, my fear of not being liked, my fear of conflict, my fear of getting too comfortable, my fear of settling...the list could go on. I have also learned that when you don't acknowledge your fear it can lead to anxiety. My life has been dictated by fear and anxiety for so long. So I'm learning to be unafraid. I'm learning to ask for help and communicate my fears so those closest to me can help draw me out of my anxious thoughts. I'm learning that when you face those fears and work through them wisdom comes from it. I'm learning fear is okay and it's healthy, but it's what we do with that fear that matters. Every day I have to choose if I let my fear lead to anxiety or to wisdom.

I am trying to live my life unafraid. Unafraid to take a risk. Unafraid to live out a dream even if it means I could fail. Unafraid to speak and write out of my convictions and refuse to apologize for my beliefs. Unafraid to love deeply.

I am thankful that I have people around me who show me what it looks like to turn fear into wisdom. Sarah Bessey, a writer I absolutely love, wrote this and I agree:

But I will speak the truth, even if my voice shakes. I will sing in the woods. I will stand here in the wilderness, head up, unashamed, following in the footsteps of Jesus as best as I know to do it, loving him into every corner of my existence, because, at last, at least, I am not afraid of you.

So...my voice may shake, my over thinking mind may be asking my heart what the heck are you doing, people may disagree, mistakes will be made, but I will be unafraid.