Unafraid.

I've realized lately how much of my life has been dictated by fear. My fear of failing, my fear of not being liked, my fear of conflict, my fear of getting too comfortable, my fear of settling...the list could go on. I have also learned that when you don't acknowledge your fear it can lead to anxiety. My life has been dictated by fear and anxiety for so long. So I'm learning to be unafraid. I'm learning to ask for help and communicate my fears so those closest to me can help draw me out of my anxious thoughts. I'm learning that when you face those fears and work through them wisdom comes from it. I'm learning fear is okay and it's healthy, but it's what we do with that fear that matters. Every day I have to choose if I let my fear lead to anxiety or to wisdom.

I am trying to live my life unafraid. Unafraid to take a risk. Unafraid to live out a dream even if it means I could fail. Unafraid to speak and write out of my convictions and refuse to apologize for my beliefs. Unafraid to love deeply.

I am thankful that I have people around me who show me what it looks like to turn fear into wisdom. Sarah Bessey, a writer I absolutely love, wrote this and I agree:

But I will speak the truth, even if my voice shakes. I will sing in the woods. I will stand here in the wilderness, head up, unashamed, following in the footsteps of Jesus as best as I know to do it, loving him into every corner of my existence, because, at last, at least, I am not afraid of you.

So...my voice may shake, my over thinking mind may be asking my heart what the heck are you doing, people may disagree, mistakes will be made, but I will be unafraid.

The past.

I recently read back through all my old blogs and let me tell you...if you need a reminder about how far you've come or want to see God's faithfulness, just go back through something you've written. There were times I thought, did I really write that? or I don't even remember that happening? or some that actually brought me to tears because the pain that happened at that moment came back so strong. There is a common theme and common struggles through all of my posts. I write a lot about my heart being broken with the pain I see around me and not knowing how to deal with that, I see a common series of events that led me to realizing I wanted to work somewhere like Harvest Hands, I see my insecurities and my struggles with failing, I am reminded of the pain I felt during and the struggles of college, I saw myself wrestle with being present, but most importantly I saw God's faithfulness.  Actually, I'm kinda blown away by it.

Whether I was writing about pain or about joys, about my victories or my mistakes, looking back I can see how God was there. Even in some dark times in my life where I refused to mention that God might be working through something, now I see where He was. God always showed up. My stupid self didn't always acknowledge that, but He was there.

Eugene Cho, Jake and Em's pastor, tweeted this and I think it is pretty inclusive of my feeling after reading back through the blogs of my last seven years of life:

How do we know God loves us? Because God knows EVERYTHING about us...and hasn't left. God still remains, still loves, & still pursues.

Praise the Lord that this is true. I'm thankful that I have something like this blog to remind me of that. Looking back through my past I could choose to feel guilt and shame or see where I was and really clung to God's promises and feel bad that I haven't been doing that lately, but we aren't supposed to live in the past. We have now, not then and we're moving forward, not backwards. So I choose to be reminded of where I've been, but choose to live each day fully alive now and continue moving forward remembering that God is love and God is faithful.