A letter to my younger self.

Life is hard. That's normal and it's okay. Trying to figure out why it's hard isn't really worth it. Just know that things that are hard are usually worth it. Life is worth it.

Your thoughts and feelings may not always match what people say you should think or feel. Your goals and desires may not look like how others define success.

You may see things reflected in the world around you or in the church about how women should be and it makes you scratch your head because you and many of the women you know don't fit in those boxes. Constantly, you'll hear, you should, you should, you should ... but you don't have to listen to it.

That urge you have to shrink down in your seat, to cross your arms, to hunch over, to withdraw to the corner or apologize for taking up space is going to be there, but you don't have to listen to it.

That immediate response you have to apologize when someone bumps into you or when you stumble over your words will be on the tip of your tongue, but you don't have to say it.

You don't have to be anything or check off the should boxes.  You never have to make yourself small. You never have to apologize for taking up space.

You were meant to live big. To live into your gifts and into your strengths. When people stay true to themselves and live into who they were created to be...that's big and that's powerful.

You carry a lot of shame and that makes you feel small.

Shame knows no boundaries. It eats at our souls and constantly makes us believe we're not enough. But we don't have to listen to it.

Shame makes us believe something is wrong with us. That we are wrong. That we can't be who we are. But that's a lie.

Shame flourishes in the dark. It whispers that no one will understand, that we can't admit to this and we're the only one.

That's bullshit.

We are meant to be who we are.We are meant to take up space. We are not meant to be silent. We are meant to speak our truth.

So who should you be?

You should be you. Your full self with all of the messiness, anxiety, joy, love, anger, sadness, craziness, humor and personality that makes you, you.

You are powerful.

You are strong.

You are enough.

You can do hard things.

You can be brave.

So be who you are and by doing that you'll help others find the freedom and confidence to do the same.

What Living Means to Me.

Probably at least once a month I ask the question, What is life? What does it even mean? Why are we even here? What's the point? I basically have an existential crisis on the regular.

The other day while I was brushing my teeth I was thinking about this. (What...am I the only person who has an existential crisis while brushing my teeth?) Why do we get up and do life every day? What are other people's motivations for going through life? What's the point of life? How is it that someone who does a repetitive monotonous job every day can have more joy than someone who claims to be doing exactly what they want to do? The questions continued tumbling in my brain, but then a thought stopped the tumbling.

The point of life is to live.

Duh, right?

I think this idea "to live" can mean different things to different people.

To me "to live" means to be fully who I am.

It means to do things that make me come alive.

It means finding joy in the little things and when I can't do that resting in the knowledge that one day soon I'll be able to again.

It means to love and invest in the people around me.

It means finding gratitude in what I've been given.

It means embracing wonder and being remarkably curious.

It means moving forward and growing.

It means acknowledging all the seasons of life and understanding we don't always live in a world of summers.

It means accepting all the parts of myself, the parts I don't like, the parts I love, and the parts I would rather ignore.

It means desiring wholeness and doing the hard work it takes to live into wholeness.

It means resting in my God-breathed worth and doing my damnedest to treat each and every person I come in contact with knowing they have God-breathed worth too.

It means realizing the point of life is to live. We aren't here to just exist and float through life. We're meant to be who we are. We're meant to love each other well. We're meant to be a part of something bigger than ourselves that involves a whole lot of love and a whole lot of wholeness...some people call it shalom.

The world needs more people who realize the point of life is to live! One of my all-time favorite quotes is from Howard Thurman:

"Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."

Figure out what makes you come alive. Figure out what living means to you.

Because the world needs you.

The world needs more people to be who they are and not who they think they should be.

It needs more people to come alive.

Uproot.

For the last six months a common question I've asked myself is this:

What lies need to be uprooted today?

I'm realizing the more work I do to work towards wholeness the more I have to come face to face with my own unhealthiness, with the lies I've always believed and the parts of me I would rather not focus on. It's not always enough to just acknowledge these things...you've gotta roll up your sleeves, grab a shovel and do the work to uproot them.

Author Sarah Bessey tells a story about how her family moved to a new house and they kept noticing patches of grass dying and mold growing. They would dig that part up and plant more, but it would just happen again. Come to find out from an old neighbor, a tree used to grow in the yard and after it was cut down the stump was left underground. It was killing the grass above. The grass couldn't grow in a healthy way until the whole tree stump was uprooted.

I think this is how lies work in our life. Even if we know they're there, they're still going to be destructive unless we do the work to uproot them.

At some point we believed that we would never be good enough so every day we seek and strive to show that we are.

At some point we believed that we weren't pretty enough so we live every day avoiding mirrors or buying the next thing that will make us look better.

At some point we believed that we always had to be strong so we live every day pushing away any weakness that comes up and putting on a happy face.

At some point we believed that one life matters more than another whether that's because of a difference in skin color, socioeconomic status, birthplace, sexuality or religion so we live every day thankful we're not like "them".

At some point we believed that there's not enough for everyone, that scarcity is the way so we live every day making sure we get what's ours.

At some point we believed that in order for me to belong someone else can't so we live every day glancing side to side, trying to stay relevant and not finish last.

At some point we believed that life is black and white and there's a set of rules to live by so we live every day in shame if we don't stay on the "right" side.

The lies could go on and on. These lies make us live in fear, they make us live in shame, they make us think we're not enough and the more time that goes on the deeper they take root.

It's not good enough to just know they're there. We have to uproot these lies that have grown deep into our souls.

My prayer every day is that God would uproot the lies that have taken root in my soul and that freedom and truth would bloom in their place. It's hard work, but it's the best work.

Uprooting these lies and replacing them with truth allows growth to happen. With the lies cleared out, the truths can be planted and actually take root.

So instead...

We believe we are enough and live every day ceasing the striving and resting in our God-breathed worth.

We believe we are beautiful and live every day in confidence that we don't have to meet any beauty standards, but we're beautiful because we are who we are.

We believe that no one can be strong all the time and live every day knowing it's okay to be weak sometimes.

We believe not one life matters more than another and live every day disarming any talk of "other" and do our part in writing a better story.

We believe that there could be enough for everyone and live every day looking for abundance and how to live with open hands.

We believe that we all belong, we belong to each other and live every day connecting instead of comparing and realizing where I am is not where you are and that's okay.

We believe that in life there are a whole lot of shades of grey and live every day ripping up our checklist, saying goodbye to shame and living into freedom.

Can you see the new, fresh sprout growing? Can you see the new life that comes when we uproot the lies that poison our souls?

Don't get me wrong, it is hard, hard work, but it's the most rewarding work.

It's soul work. It's "your Kingdom come your will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven work." It's wholeness work. It's worth it work.

Photo courtesy of inhabitat.com

Anxiety.

Anxiety: a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome. When I hear the word anxiety it conjures up a lot of feelings, images and thoughts. It's something that I have always struggled with, but didn't really fully acknowledge until recently. It's something that I often have joked about, mentioned in passing, blamed but then minimized because I didn't want to sound crazy. I've started realizing more and more how many things are tied to anxiety and really seeing how it's manifested itself in my life. And I know I'm not alone.

This is a topic that I've wanted to write about for awhile now, but when I go to do it I always seem to stare at a blank page. Recently my counselor told me that she thinks when I write, when I choose to be vulnerable, when I choose to let people in on my story...I'm releasing myself from the shame that I often carry with me. Writing, being authentic and vulnerable, and trusting others to walk with me, gives me freedom, it helps me take ownership of my story so I can write my own ending.

I think there are a lot of misconceptions about anxiety and I get it...anxiety can look different for everyone. Sometimes the way I explain it to someone is it's like there's a loop in my head about everything and anything that I could be uneasy about or that could be wrong and there's nothing I can do to stop it.  For me, this has resulted in panic attacks, health issues and lots of lost sleep. Also, if you want to know what could go wrong in any given situation, ask an anxious person. Luckily, with a lot of good counseling and hard work, I have learned ways to handle and deal with my anxiety, but it's still an issue. When I'm taking care of myself and being healthy, it's a lot easier to stop that loop in my head than when I'm not.

I thought I would share a few insights about anxiety. I hope that if you struggle with this you'll feel a little less alone and if you don't, that it will help you understand that anxious person in your life a little better.

1. Anxiety is not the same thing as worry. I like how Megan Tietz and Laura Tremaine talk about this on their Sorta Awesome Podcast (Also, I highly recommend anyone and everyone listen to their podcast here about anxiety, if you struggle with it you will say "me too" so many times and if you don't struggle with it, it'll give you great insight), "Worry is somewhat reasonable, but there's no reasoning with anxiety. Worry can be talked down from the cliff. Anxiety is convinced that you are hurtling toward the edge of the cliff and the brakes just went out." When you worry there's usually a reasonable root at the cause of that, you can usually take a few deep breaths, wrap your head around the reality of the situation, pray, meditate or whatever you choose to do to be calm and you'll be fine. Deep breaths don't fix anxiety, trying to wrap your head around your anxious thoughts just keeps you on the hamster wheel and loop and praying, meditating or whatever you choose to do can help, but it doesn't fix it...at least it hasn't for me.

2. A lot of shame can be associated with anxiety. Megan and Laura talk about this in their podcast too and it was actually something I had never fully realized until I heard them say it...I have been so ashamed that I struggle with anxiety. Especially when it came to being a Christian. I have always felt like something was wrong with me, that I didn't believe enough or trust enough...because you know, God says do not worry about anything and how can we add an hour to our life by worrying so why can't I stop all this anxiety? I would repeat those verses over and over again and when nothing changed or every time someone just told me to quit worrying so much because I'm supposed to trust in God, the shame piled on. When I realized there was a difference between anxiety and worry and realized there's no freedom when you're buried in shame, it was like I started living a whole new story.

3. Counseling. Everyone who knows me knows that I am a huge proponent of counseling. I think anyone and everyone should go to counseling! Because even if you don't struggle with anxiety or you don't think anything's "wrong" with you, we can all benefit from sorting through our issues, learning how to feel our feelings, having space to take a step outside of our current lived experience and, at the bare minimum, talk things out to someone who is legally bound and paid to hear you out and help you think things through. It creates healthier and whole people and the world needs healthier and whole people. People who feel their feelings, who deal with their issues and you acknowledge they don't have it all together.

4. I started to feel freedom when people believed me. Again this was a moment of clarity when listening to Megan and Laura on the podcast, a moment where I realized, yes, that's so true! I have a friend in my life who probably has two anxious thoughts a year...she does not struggle with anxiety. But, she never ridicules me or tells me I'm wrong when I tell her I'm feeling anxious. She believes me. There's even been times where I haven't said anything, but she knows so she tells me to list everything I'm anxious about. I was amazed at how helpful it was to name my anxious thoughts and the person on the other end didn't make me feel crazy or ashamed. She didn't fix it, but she asked, she listened and she believed me. She didn't tell me to quit worrying and that it wasn't a big deal, but she valued that it was my experience.

5. The more information the better. Remember when I said if you want to hear all the worst case scenarios ask an anxious person? Texts sayings like, "We need to talk." or "I've got news for you, but I can't talk for a couple hours." No good. I know for me too this looks like having as many details as possible, I've gotten a lot better with this, but one way this happens to me is when I'm traveling. I love to travel, but the unknown and uncertainty of being somewhere new causes me a lot of anxiety. If you're going to tell me to just head down the street and the train station will be on the right and get on and get off on South Street...that doesn't do it for me. I need to know how many streets I'll cross over, what landmark is near the station, how many stops until we get to the South Street stop? Crazy? Too much? Maybe...but just know if someone is asking you a lot of questions, maybe they're not trying to be annoying, they're just trying to get a full picture of what to expect.

I know this was a long one, but I think it's important and we don't talk about it enough. Unfortunately, so many people struggle with anxiety, some realize it and some don't. It's crazy the affects it can have on your body and how it manifests its way physically too. Looking back over my life and all my health issues, a large majority of them I can now see were connected to anxiety. So...if you struggle with this, please know you're not alone. Feel free to share what it looks like in your life so people can seek to understand you better. If you don't have anxiety, I hope this gives a little insight for you and how you can understand someone who does. People like you can be grace-givers to people like me. If we truly seek to understand each other better, the world will just be a better place, right?

Out of Sorts.

Have you ever felt like you had it all figured out and then you didn't? Maybe that you knew exactly what you believed about that one thing and then you realized, wait, maybe I don't know what I think? Or that at one time the world was really black and white and everything you believed made sense...and then it didn't? Have you had doubts, felt more like you're wandering in the wilderness every Sunday morning rather than sitting in that comfortable church pew? My answers to all these questions? Yes, yes, yes, and yes. My faith has always been a part of who I am, but it has changed and evolved over the years. Sometimes it has made sense to me, other times it hasn't. Sometimes I welcomed the changes and sorting out with open arms and sometimes I clenched my fists and fought against the feeling that I need to let go of these ideas that I always thought were right. Sometimes I felt really alone, other times I felt like just when I thought it was just me out here wandering, I would see Jesus and a friend would come alongside me too. In her new book, Out of Sorts, Sarah Bessey is that friend.

Sarah Bessey is one of my most favorite authors and her new book did not disappoint. I think every other line is underlined and I've lost count of the number of times "yes!", "amen", and "me too" fill the margins. It's packed full of so much truth. It's her story of how her faith has evolved and how she has made peace with that, but through her story you are confronted with so much truth. Truth that makes you dig deep, that makes you reflect on your own story. Her words remind us that we're not alone and that God is oh so present in the sorting out. I see my story in her story.

It's hard for me to articulate all the goodness found within Sarah's writing so I think I'll have to do a series of posts about it, but whether she's writing about the Kingdom of God, community and friendship or the Church, her words drip with truth, life and light. It's clear her writing is Spirit led and this writing is necessary and important to us all. It made me feel less alone and has helped me make peace with my evolving faith and I think it will for you too.  Sarah explains what the book is about, "Really, it's a book about not being afraid. This is my way of leaving the light on for the ones who are wandering."

Sarah also says, "There are many of us out here sorting, I think. This might be a small candle, but I'll set mine on the lamp stand and you can set yours there too --- and maybe our glow will light the path of others." So join us on this lighted path so you can join your candles with ours and we can remember that we're not on this journey alone.

{I was lucky enough to be on the launch team for Out of Sorts, which means I received an advance copy of the book in order to review it and spread the word about it. I didn't receive any compensation for this, just the benefit of reading it so I can tell everyone how great it is and that you should buy it! You can find it on Amazon here.}

I was so excited to get the book! Seriously...go get your copy!!!

And just in case you need any more reason to love the book, there are the cutest printables with some of the themes from the book that you can find here.