The 3 Acts of Attending a Conference Alone.

Last week I attended the Festival of Faith and Writing in Grand Rapids. Basically a conference for writers or people in the writing world. I'm not sure if any of you have attended an event like this alone, but it can make you feel many things (or maybe it just made me feel many things).

Background

The Festival of Faith and Writing started in 1990 on the campus of Calvin College. In their own words, "The Festival has brought both new and established talent to speak about a variety of issues related to faith, ethics, justice, and the craft of storytelling." In my words, "The Festival was like the internet came to life and all of the bloggers and authors I follow were attending. Attendees were people that have published books, want to publish books, publish books or help people get books published and maybe people who just love the writing world. Regardless, it brings together lots of great people who care about faith and writing and value creativity."

Act I : I'm leaving early.

I felt like I did not belong. Every where I looked people were hugging, saying how it was great to see each other and it seemed everyone had a someone. I just had me. It was like everyone knew the drill, everyone had published a book, that everyone was a lot farther along than me.

I realized that I'm really forgettable. I tried to network, I tried to meet people that first day and everyone was nice, but we just exchanged pleasantries and they moved on.

"How am I ever supposed to make it in life if people forget about me as soon as they meet me?"  I think while I Google, "How not to be forgettable."

I ended the day thinking: I'm in way over my head. I should probably be more well versed in literature so I know what people are talking about. At least I'm fired up about the session I went to about peacemaking and I met nice people in the small group I attended. Who do I think I am claiming to be a writer? Maybe I'll head back to Tennessee early.

Act II : Stop being dramatic, it's not that bad.

I decided it was a new day and it would be better. I did belong there because well...I was there and I write things therefore I am a writer. Also, the day began by randomly sitting next to my favorite author. She was so nice and friendly and after our interaction I knew it would be a better day.

I started noticing how the people in attendance didn't have a posture of competition, but connection. Most people were so genuine and willing to connect. They were quick to shine the light on others.

I learned more about the book publishing process and the "business side" of writing.

"That's a lot of work and I'm not really sure it's worth it." I think while I text a friend and tell them my dream of writing a book maybe just died.

I was reminded of truths like: when there's a connection between your writing and your life it's powerful, writing is an act of faith and how we live in a world of hurry up and matter.

I attended a reception for The Redbud Writer's Guild and met some great people who were so nice. I ran into a few people I met the day before and got to know them better.

I skipped out a little early so I could retreat to my forever and always peace place:

I ended the day thinking: Maybe I'm not forgettable. Maybe I do belong. People are nice and maybe I'll even leave here with new friends. Maybe my dream of writing a book shouldn't be dead. I took in so much information today my brain might explode. Stop being dramatic, it's not that bad.

Act III : I Feel Alive.

At this point, I'm more comfortable. I've settled into this routine or as much of one as you can within 3 days of being somewhere. I'm fighting the exhaustion that comes with being an introvert at a conference who's easily overstimulated and has spent the last two days overcoming a few fears.

The first session I attended was about writing from your true self. They asked us what we have to say and contribute to the world that only we can?

"What exactly does it mean to write from my true self and to own my voice?" I think as I tell God that I'm sensing a theme emerge from this time away.

I started running into people I've met before and have longer conversations. I met up with a friend to have a deeper conversation, I went to dinner with another new friend and I met an online friend in real life whose blog I've been following. I felt the truth that connecting is so much richer and more meaningful than competing.

I ended the day thinking: I need to own my voice and be who I am. I actually made some new friends who are great and I think I'll stay connected with. I still think my brain might explode from all this information. Why does this have to be over? I feel more alive than I have in a long time.

Conclusion

It had its ups and downs, it was exhausting, but invigorating all at the same time. I learned so many things that have and will fill pages and pages.

I left better than when I came.

I'm glad I didn't stay in Act I, but stuck with it through the final act.

Uproot.

For the last six months a common question I've asked myself is this:

What lies need to be uprooted today?

I'm realizing the more work I do to work towards wholeness the more I have to come face to face with my own unhealthiness, with the lies I've always believed and the parts of me I would rather not focus on. It's not always enough to just acknowledge these things...you've gotta roll up your sleeves, grab a shovel and do the work to uproot them.

Author Sarah Bessey tells a story about how her family moved to a new house and they kept noticing patches of grass dying and mold growing. They would dig that part up and plant more, but it would just happen again. Come to find out from an old neighbor, a tree used to grow in the yard and after it was cut down the stump was left underground. It was killing the grass above. The grass couldn't grow in a healthy way until the whole tree stump was uprooted.

I think this is how lies work in our life. Even if we know they're there, they're still going to be destructive unless we do the work to uproot them.

At some point we believed that we would never be good enough so every day we seek and strive to show that we are.

At some point we believed that we weren't pretty enough so we live every day avoiding mirrors or buying the next thing that will make us look better.

At some point we believed that we always had to be strong so we live every day pushing away any weakness that comes up and putting on a happy face.

At some point we believed that one life matters more than another whether that's because of a difference in skin color, socioeconomic status, birthplace, sexuality or religion so we live every day thankful we're not like "them".

At some point we believed that there's not enough for everyone, that scarcity is the way so we live every day making sure we get what's ours.

At some point we believed that in order for me to belong someone else can't so we live every day glancing side to side, trying to stay relevant and not finish last.

At some point we believed that life is black and white and there's a set of rules to live by so we live every day in shame if we don't stay on the "right" side.

The lies could go on and on. These lies make us live in fear, they make us live in shame, they make us think we're not enough and the more time that goes on the deeper they take root.

It's not good enough to just know they're there. We have to uproot these lies that have grown deep into our souls.

My prayer every day is that God would uproot the lies that have taken root in my soul and that freedom and truth would bloom in their place. It's hard work, but it's the best work.

Uprooting these lies and replacing them with truth allows growth to happen. With the lies cleared out, the truths can be planted and actually take root.

So instead...

We believe we are enough and live every day ceasing the striving and resting in our God-breathed worth.

We believe we are beautiful and live every day in confidence that we don't have to meet any beauty standards, but we're beautiful because we are who we are.

We believe that no one can be strong all the time and live every day knowing it's okay to be weak sometimes.

We believe not one life matters more than another and live every day disarming any talk of "other" and do our part in writing a better story.

We believe that there could be enough for everyone and live every day looking for abundance and how to live with open hands.

We believe that we all belong, we belong to each other and live every day connecting instead of comparing and realizing where I am is not where you are and that's okay.

We believe that in life there are a whole lot of shades of grey and live every day ripping up our checklist, saying goodbye to shame and living into freedom.

Can you see the new, fresh sprout growing? Can you see the new life that comes when we uproot the lies that poison our souls?

Don't get me wrong, it is hard, hard work, but it's the most rewarding work.

It's soul work. It's "your Kingdom come your will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven work." It's wholeness work. It's worth it work.

Photo courtesy of inhabitat.com

Half.

We're not meant to be half. One of the worst sayings in the world is, "you complete me." Thanks a lot Jerry McGuire... and just so you know...no one can complete you. You're meant to be whole on your own. I believe everyone wants to be whole. No one wants to just be a half, or be just enough, or 2/3 complete.

I don't think everyone desires happiness, I think everyone desires wholeness.

I just finished reading the book, Learning to Walk in the Dark, by Barbara Brown Taylor and it's a great read. [I highly recommend all of her books] Taylor helps rewrite the narrative around darkness and our misconceptions and tendency to only associate what is good with light. She encourages readers to see what God could be teaching you "in the dark."

You can't have dark without light and light without dark. They're half of a whole. You need one and the other. You may not always want to acknowledge the wholeness that comes when there's light and dark because of fear or anxiety or uncertainty, but it's true.

Too often we try to be a half. We try to only accept the good. We try to only feel the happy things and push away the sadness, the anger or the unhappiness. We ignore that shadow side of ourself because maybe we don't want to deal with it or maybe because we were told it wasn't okay to have it. But, when we refuse to acknowledge that the hard times are just as much a part of us as the good times or don't take the time to realize that the sadness we feel is just as important as the happiness, we aren't living in wholeness. [Sidenote: Please watch Inside Out for further evidence of why this is important]

Barbara Brown Taylor has this to say:

To be human is to live by sunlight and moonlight, with anxiety and delight, admitting limits and transcending them, falling down and rising up. To want a life with only half of these things in it is to want half a life, shutting the other half away where it will not interfere with one's bright fantasies of the way things ought to be.

To be whole we have to accept the sunlight and the moonlight, the anxiety and delight, the light and the dark. To be human is to realize we can both fail and succeed, we can be happy and sad, and we can have limits and transcend them.

To be human isn't to be half...it's to be whole. And to be whole isn't about just "good" things or just "light" things...it's accepting all of who we are, all of what we've experienced and remembering that we live by both the sunlight and the moonlight.

 

Photo courtesy of pxleyes.com

Me too.

Me too. Those two words can carry so much power, more than you may think at the time, but they can be altering. I'm continuously reminded of the power of vulnerability and the peace that can wash over you when you hear "me too." You never know when you take a step out and share your truth when it will connect with someone.  You never know when you decide to be unafraid and share a piece of your story who that's going to connect with and maybe even give them the courage to do the same.

When we can look at someone and say, "me too" we aren't necessarily saying I know exactly how you feel, but we are saying you're not alone. We're saying I can identify with you on some level. We're saying I stand beside you and you are not alone.

I think a lie we too easily believe is that we're alone. We believe that surely no one could identify with this struggle I have or surely know one would want to hear my story.

But then we get that two seconds of courage and we just go for it. In that sacred moment when someone on the other end is there that says, me too, we know. We know we aren't doing this thing called life alone. We know we were created to stand next to one another to walk along our journey.

So, if you're reading this...please know you're not alone. Please know that you were created to be in relationship with people. Please know that even though the thought of sharing your heart or being vulnerable can seem paralyzing, the freedom that comes from it and the possibility of hearing those two little words is life-giving.

You are not alone. We are not alone. I am so grateful for the people in my life who can look at me and say me too. Or who listen to all my crazy and may not be able to say me too, but they at least listen. They listen and they love.

What would the world look like if we believed that there is power in our story? That there is power in sharing our lives with one another? What if we believed that sometimes all we need to say is me too and that listening and loving is enough?

I think the world would be better.

When where I am is not where you are.

My life looks nothing like I thought it would. I struggle with that sometimes. I don't know where we learn that our lives are "supposed" to look a certain way. I don't know why we think we need to take a measuring stick to other's lives and see where ours measures up. I don't know why we get so lost in the comparison game.

Blame it on social media, society, movies, friends, family, whatever it is, it's there...this feeling that maybe I'm not quite where I'm supposed to be, or those people over there really have it figured out. Sometimes I feel like there's a benchmark to meet. I look ahead and see everyone keeping up with the expectations and I'm just a little bit behind, always playing catch up.

I've had to let go of how I think my life should look. "Should" can be a dangerous word for me. It usually means I'm motivated by guilt or shame and those aren't the healthiest motivators.

I've had to let go of my measuring stick.  I can't look at life like a race or a competition where people are either ahead or behind me. Instead of choosing to see a line of people ahead of me and me trying to play catch up, I see people around me. Each in their own place, each with their own life, not ahead or behind me, but beside me. All in different places, all on different journeys, with not one being right and another wrong, but just being.

Because where I am is not where you are and that's okay. It's a beautiful thing actually. Everyone is on their own journey. Everyone is just living their story and like Shauna Niequist says, "With people, you can either connect or compare, but you can't do both." I can look at what others are doing, I can wonder what I need to do to get where I think I should be, or I can just let go and connect where I am and with those who I am lucky enough to be surrounded by.

So I'm choosing to let go of the shoulds in my life. I'm choosing to let go of the measuring sticks and the side-to-side glances calculating who I'm ahead of or behind. I'm choosing to connect instead of compare. I'm choosing to see people where they actually are. I'm choosing to look down instead of around, focusing on my journey and where I am rather than where I thought I should be.

With these choices I've found there's a whole lot of freedom to be had.