Your song.

 

I read recently in the book, Faith-rooted Organizing, Mobilizing the Church in Service to the World by Alexia Salvatierra and Peter Heltzel, a really great story. I am privileged to have Alexia as a professor this semester and I have learned so much from her! Not just about organizing, but about faith and life and it has been one of my favorite classes.

In her book she shares this:

In several regions in Africa, when a woman is pregnant, she must gather in the forest with other mothers and members of the community to discern the song of her baby. They all sing the song while she is giving birth so that the baby will be born well. When that baby grows up and begins their education or their career, or at any other important moments of life, they remember and sing their song. When they find their life partner, they sing a duet. When they are dying, the whole community sings their song. When a person has committed a crime, they also gather the community, place the offender in the middle and sing them their song to remind them of who they are.

I just think this is one of the coolest things. My first response to this was, wow, what an illustration of community! This is what the Kingdom should be about. Not only do others prioritize helping a mother discern the song of her child, but this community remembers this specific child's song...they remember who he/she is. They call him or her back to who they are.

How affirming that must be for someone. For so many people to care for you and to sing your song in celebration and in death, to care enough that even if you commit a crime...they gather to sing it to you, as a reminder. When I first read this I thought it was going to say they bring the offender in the middle and take away their song or strip away their rights (this shows how ingrained our penal and judicial system is in my head), but rather, they gather the community, place the offender in the middle and sing them their song to remind them of who they are. WOW. What grace, what a way to approach someone with dignity even if it may not be "deserved". It's not letting the person off the hook or absolving responsibility, they're not backing away, but rather confronting and calling them back to who they know they really are. It's beautiful.

This is one of the most beautiful things I've read recently and I realized that although a literal song may not have been discerned over me when I was born, I still have a song. We all do. We all were uniquely created to be who we are, whether we're fully and wholly that person yet or not. I am so fortunate to have people in my life who sing my song with me in celebration and who remind me who I am.

My hope and prayer is that I can do that for others too...that we would all do that for each other.  That we realize the importance of knowing others' song...that we're not afraid to sing that song to them, to remind them of who they are. The world would be a better place if we all recognized that each and every person has a song. Sometimes people just need to be reminded of who they are and that everyone's lives matter and that everyone has a song.

I don't remember...

The other day I was doing this writing exercise (why I was doing a writing exercise is another story for another day, but anyway...) where I had to write my stream of consciousness starting with "I don't remember". It was a little weird because how are you supposed to write about something you don't remember? But it's amazing what can happen when the only rule is to keep writing for five minutes. 

After I finished my five minutes I read back through what I wrote and noticed a trend. "I don't remember why I decided to do this...I don't remember why I decided to do that..." filled the page. Many of the biggest decisions I have made in my life and that have created the greatest impact on my journey stem from an "I don't really remember why I decided to do that". 

These decisions or actions I made had other things in common too...they put me out of my comfort zone, they seemed like big deals and looking back they seemed out of character.

Even though I couldn't remember why I decided to do some of these things, something else all these decisive moments in my life had in common was someone there helping me, not making the decision for me, but reminding me of who I am so I could make a decision or take the step in the direction that aligns with who I am. Sometimes in those moments when the risk and unknown seemed like too much, there were people there encouraging me and reminding me what I am about when I seemed to forget.

I moved to Nashville to attend a college where I knew no one. I had family, friends, and youth group leaders encouraging me to decide on a school because I knew what I wanted to do even if it meant I would go alone.

I went to Zambia with three strangers. I almost choose to go somewhere more "safe" and "comfortable", but my brother reminded me of the dream I had since I was little to go to Africa some day and I couldn't back out because of fear.

The examples could go on and on. I don't remember the moment I decided to move to Nashville or go to Zambia, I don't remember why I decided to do those things, but I remember the people that were there alongside me with those moments and decisions. They were "risky" and uncomfortable steps to take and for someone who always leans toward the comfortable, seemingly out of character, but on that "I don't remember" list were some of the most important, shaping and life-changing events in my life.

So, if you're like me and lean towards the comfortable and the safe option most of the time, maybe it's time to take a leap. Take that trip you can't decide on, reach out to that person you're not sure about, send in that application, try something you don't think you're good at, listen to those people around you who speak truth in your life and remind you of who you are, it may seem scary, your hands may shake, you'll probably look back and not be able to remember why you said yes in the first place, but it's worth it. 

Whole.

Today I hit a milestone and I am really excited about it. It's not like the jumping for joy, look what I did excitement, but more of a I feel at peace and feel like I can kick back and relax and it enjoy it kind of excitement. It took a lot of work to get here and it was probably one of the hardest things I've ever done. Almost a year ago exactly I started counseling. I wrote more about that here, but it has been quite a journey. I'm not shy about sharing my experiences with counseling and how beneficial I think it is for anyone and everyone and that it's been one of the best decisions I could make for myself. I highly recommend it.

About six months ago I started a type of therapy called EMDR, it's kinda hard to explain, but it's a process that helps you let go of painful memories, experiences or beliefs and helps remove negative cognitions that one has always had through stimulation resembling REM sleep. This stimulation helps your brain process things and resolve feelings and beliefs not yet resolved. Sometimes I just explain it like magic because of how effective it is and I don't really understand how it works so well, your brain and what it can do is cool, you guys!

Today I finished EMDR and boy, has it been a long journey! I'm not quite sure I knew what I was getting myself into when I agreed to try this. At times I thought I was going crazy, other times I never knew I could feel so many things, at other moments I wanted to quit, and most of the time I knew it was exactly what I needed.

One day within this process my counselor told me, everyone desires to be...I thought she was going to say happy, but she didn't, she said...everyone desires to be whole. And I thought, yes! That is so much better than just being happy. That is what I want, I want to be whole. I want to live my life making healthy choices that contribute to my wholeness. Yes, I want to be happy, but I know that's a fleeting feeling that is based on circumstances, but being whole is not. Being whole is knowing who you are, loving who you are, knowing that you're someone who is always growing, evolving and learning, showing yourself grace, acknowledging all that you feel, and the freedom to claim and live into your story and out of your wholeness loving others well. I want to be a whole person, that is what I desire.

Today's milestone of completing EMDR in counseling in no way says, hey I made it! I'm whole and that's it! I will always continue to improve myself, to continue to be healthy so that I can continue to be whole, but today I am excited that I have hit a milestone on this journey. I have shed a lot of tears, done a lot of work and gone through a lot of crazy to get here, but it's worth it.

I think if we asked a lot of people what they want it really can come down to wanting to be whole. Whole people, complete people, knowing who we are and staying true to that. I am so incredible thankful that this process has been such a huge part of my life and my wholeness.

So as I sit here, kicked back and relaxed, excited about this completed milestone, I'm thankful for the fact that it is because of this that I can continue to be the person I want to be on this great journey of life creating and living the story I know I am meant to live.

Coffee Shops.

I'm currently sitting in a new coffee shop not far from my house, it's quickly becoming my favorite. Not only do they serve great coffee (I may be a little biased, but Humphreys Street Coffee is pretty good!) :) But the atmosphere is relaxed and comfortable and I love it. It's never too busy in the mornings, which I guess I should hope isn't the case for long, so they stay in business, but their scones are delicious, this coming from someone who doesn't really love scones (I just inhaled their chocolate, raspberry one) and everyone is very friendly. Anyway...this isn't an endorsement for Woodbine Coffee Co, but if you live in Nashville, you should check it out. I love the atmosphere of coffee shops and the built in expectation that community will happen here. I love people watching and observing people and coffee shops are an excellent place to do that. I love randomly running into someone I know, observing friends hug and exclaim how happy they are to see each other, seeing a group of people hunched over intently having a meeting, watching the contentment  of someone working alone at their computer, noticing the tension of another person studying for their MCAT, seeing another wiping tears from her eyes as her friend looks at her with a face that says, everything's not okay, but you are not alone.

I love coffee shops because I've seen community deepen there, I've seen ideas be born, I've seen both burdens and celebrations shared, I've seen productivity achieved, I've seen a shared space become a place where there's room for everyone and it all happens over a delicious cup of coffee (or tea if that's what you prefer). I know for me it's a place where I feel peace, where I feel productive and where my creativity can thrive and that is a beautiful thing, my friends.

Exhale.

I was fortunate enough to spend a week in Washington this month. My whole family was there and we celebrated Jake and Leah's graduations from graduate school and then spent some time in the mountains at an awesome cabin. It was wonderful.

I realized that week that my soul needed to breathe. It needed room to have a nice long exhale without being rushed back to routine. The minute the plane took off I felt lighter and lighter. It's not a reflection on my life in Nashville, but just a reminder that my soul needs room to breathe. I need to make room for my over-thinking mind to rest, my over-empathetic heart to take a break and my always achieving soul to stop. It was a chance to be reminded that I do not hold the world together and that it keeps going when I'm gone.

My soul took a nice long exhale and I was able to rest. I was able to think about things that I usually just push away and cover with busyness. I was able just to be. I was able to exhale and inhale rest, peace and joy.

With every fit of laughter, every game played, every beautiful scene taken in, every short nap in the car, every page read in my book, every breath caught on the hike, every talk with one of my family members, every thought that with these people I am completely known and loved...my soul exhaled.

The hard part is not to feel like you're choking when it's time to get back to reality, to not feel like your soul is getting stuffed back down after experiencing that breath of fresh air. How do I make room for my soul to breathe in the everyday and the ordinary? How do I allow myself to feel that freedom and rest in the middle of the busyness and routine?

This was supposed to restore my soul and give me rest to start again and it did, but it also just made me long for more, long for more room to breath, more room to rest and more room to be restored. So, how do I create the space for my soul to exhale in the every day?  I guess it's something I'm still trying to figure out.