Doubts

I just finished up reading the book, Evolving in Monkey Town, by Rachel Held Evans and I’m so glad I did. Rachel Held Evans is a blogger/author that I really enjoy reading and sometimes I feel like she’s writing the thoughts right out of my head, other times I feel like she’s articulating things I couldn’t articulate myself, other times I read something she writes and I’m unsure of it so I struggle with it and think about what it means for me, and other times she shares her experience and it brings tears to my eyes because I know I’m not alone.

Evolving in Monkey Town was the last one for me. It’s a story of Rachel’s faith journey and her experience with doubt. I would say our backgrounds are a little different, but her journey of faith and the doubt she experienced are very similar.

I feel like doubts are something you’re not supposed to talk about, so I haven’t. I feel like if I tell someone I doubt something about God or Christianity then they’re going to think I’m going to hell. I feel like if I talk about the fact that sometimes I’m unsure of what I thought I knew about God, people will discredit me. I feel like if I share what I really think about things and how over the last few years the world has faded from black and white to grey, people will “question my salvation”.

I don’t want to be seen as a cynic. I don’t want to appear to be unsure. I don’t want to be understood as someone who doesn’t believe in God.

Rachel says this and when she said, it echoed across my soul and mind because it’s exactly what I feel. I don’t doubt God…I doubt what I know and believe about God.

Through reading this book and other things, I’m coming to accept my doubt and I don’t think it’s a bad thing.

Because of my doubts my faith has become stronger.

Because of my doubts I’ve realized it’s okay to say, I don’t know.

Because of my doubts I have had to realize what I really do believe.

Because of my doubts I have developed an openness I didn’t have before.

Because of my doubts I’ve realized this thing of following Christ and choosing to love Him and because of that love to love others well is a journey, always evolving, and there’s always more to discover. More to discover about the mystery God, the person of Jesus, more to discover about myself, others, and God’s creation.

I’m not ashamed of my doubts. I don’t have this whole faith thing figured out. It kinda worries me when people think they do. I don’t want to ever think I have it all figured out or know it all. I never want to stop asking questions.

Because I believe in a God that invites our questions, can handle our doubts and wants us to keep moving forward. 

Some MLK Day Thoughts...

Today is a day where we remember Martin Luther King Jr. and all of the good that he did. I am thankful that there is a day to honor a great man who fought hard for justice. One thing I do often is revisit different things Martin Luther King Jr. has said and I thought it would be timely to share them here!

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.”

“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy”

 “…I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word”

“Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere”

“The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends towards justice.”

It’s nice to read quotes and memorialize a man who did such great work, but it can’t just stop at that and I think we forget that too easily. In an interesting article about streets named after MLK it says this, “There’s a way in which the process of memorialization is sometimes the first step in collective forgetting. We name our monuments, we name our streets, and they’re meant to do the work of memory for us.” That's not how it should be.

I think this is a great day to remember a great man, but also a day to remember how much work we still have to do. How much work we still have to do in bringing about economic justice, racial justice and equality. People say it’s gone and that we’re all equal, but we’re not..just take a stroll through your city, talk to a teacher about the roadblocks in the education system, ask an undocumented teenager about their dream to go to college and how it may never happen, think about how I can get pulled over in my community and asked, “why are you in this neighborhood” but my African-American friends seem to get pulled over for no reason at all, read the news to hear about things like how Philadelphia choose to close 23 public schools, but build a $400 million prison, read The New Jim Crow…the list could go on and on. The world is broken, we are broken and it can be hard not to get overwhelmed by it all, but we have to keep moving forward. Keep moving forward on a road towards justice, peace, reconciliation, restoration and equality.

Like Martin Luther King Jr. said, “Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.” So don’t stay silent. Remember to take a stand for what is right, dare to dream the world can be a better place and do your damndest to make it happen.

25 Things.

It's become a tradition to write this post each year and I love it. It gives me a chance to think about the last year and what all has happened...specifically 25 things that have happened in my 25th year of life. This year was a pretty big one.  So...here are 25 things that have happened in year 25.

1. I bought a house. This is kinda a big one so I thought it could go first. Technically it's more like a town home than a "house", but I bought it and I love it. It worked out with perfect timing and it is becoming home.

2. I started grad school. Also kinda a big one so figured it should be #2. I began the Masters of Urban Studies program at Eastern University and I have loved it! It has been really hard to learn how to balance working full time, having a life and doing school, but I'm working on it. The whole having a life part needs some work, but I love to learn and working towards my masters degree has been really empowering for me.

3. I started running. Never in my life would I think I would write those words, but they're true! I ran two 5K's and I think I've had my fill of those. Hear more about that here.

4. I realized how much I love hospitality and learned it's not always comfortable and can remove you from your comfort zone but that's kinda the point and it's great. I love having people in my home and making them feel at home!

5. Got a tatto. I absolutely love my tattoo and the daily reminder that it is to me each and every day.

6. Read some great books. One of my favorites was Jesus Feminist by Sarah Bessey.

7. I lost some really great people. We lost my Aunt Pam this year unexpectedly. Nothing can quite prepare you for that, but her life was celebrated and I am lucky to have been loved by such a great lady! One of our older neighbors, Miss Hattie passed away this year too. She lived a full life and I'm happy I was able to know her.

8. I discovered and realized some new things that are life giving to me and I'm excited to explore them more this next year.

9. I gained confidence in ways I never thought would happen.

10. I continued to experience deep and full friendships. I am so thankful for the friends that I have in my life and how they walk with me through life. I also have met new friends through my program at Eastern and they are just some of the best people.

11. I had the opportunity to speak on a panel at Trevecca which made me realize I love talking about things that matter and that could move people more towards joining in on kingdom work and tearing down ignorance and unawareness.

12. I took the longest solo road trip of my life from Nashville to Michigan to Philly and back to Nashville. It wasn't the worst thing I've ever done, but I wouldn't really want to do it again.

13. I figured out that eliminating decision making when possible is life giving to me so I'm making some habits and practices that help with that.

14. Bought a new TV and a new hutch and coffee table that I love!

15. Realized I need to let my life be ruled by reality and not by my expectations.

16. Quit drinking real milk. Almond milk is the best.

17. I have been able to experience some of life's great moments with friends. Weddings, babies growing into toddlers, graduations, grad school beginnings, etc...

18. Realized life goes in seasons, relationships change, circumstances change and it's okay. I just need to take them as they come.

19. Another year of good travels! I visited new places like Philly, Washington DC and New Orleans. I like Philly, I absolutely loved DC, but New Orleans wasn't my favorite. I also got to visit Denver, go back to Michigan and Knoxville for some weddings and visit Florida with some of my family!

20. I have four TV shows that I absolutely love...New Girl, The Mindy Project, Scandal and Grey's Anatomy.

21. Realized how much I love reading random articles and learning about anything and everything. Following Huffington Post on Twitter has increased my daily article intake, maybe too much.

22. I rediscovered what I'm passionate about. It's changed  some over the last few years, but it's an exciting time! It's this feeling like I discovered a song in my soul and beliefs that reach deep into who I am.

23. I created a new chili recipe and it's actually pretty good.

24. Trying to find pleasure in the little things and when an experience may not be the greatest, making it better. On New Year's Eve Becca and I got stranded in Indiana because of snow and it could have been a terrible situation, but it ended up being a great time consisting of matching PJ's, Ben and Jerry and the movies.

25. I set new goals for myself and realized some long term ideas for my life. It's a balance living in the here and now and the not yet but I'm excited about both the right now and the what is to come. Living within this tension has become my way of life and I'm enjoying the ride.

Year 25 was pretty great. I experienced a lot, took some big and some little steps, learned a lot more about myself and have enjoyed life even with all of its ups and downs. Here is to a great year 26!

One word for 2014.

Last year I started picking a word for the year. This is different than a resolution because it's not made to be "kept" but rather to encompass all I want the year to be about. For 2013 my word was confidence. It was kinda crazy how 2013 really did end up being the year of confidence for me. I never thought choosing that word in January would be followed by so many opportunities to grow in who I am as a person. Just thinking over the year of all that's happened, how I started grad school, transitioned in my job and bought a house (just to name a few), and how I handled those all is a testament to why God placed that word on my heart. I could write pages and pages of how I've grown in my confidence in Christ and in myself this year. I've been thinking about my word for 2014 and a word keeps coming to mind that I can't shake no matter how badly I want to. I'm a little nervous committing to it because if 2013 was any indication of what could happen, I'm not sure what's in store. It may seem silly or dramatic, but prayerfully considering a word to make 2014 about has become a big deal for me. Words mean a lot to me so picking one that I can continually go back to and choose so I intentionally approach my year in a way that is beneficial to myself and my growth is important.

So...I've decided my word for 2014 is Unafraid. I wrote this a few months ago about being unafraid, not fully realizing what I was saying but knowing I had to move forward in a way that I am free from fear and anxiety. I have gained confidence in Christ, in myself and in others this past year and I think I now need to live into that confidence and keep on this journey unafraid...

Unafraid to fully live.

Unafraid to speak up when I know I should say something and stay silent when it's wiser to say nothing.

Unafraid to ask the hard questions.

Unafraid to embrace the doubts I have and explore them.

Unafraid to fully receive and give love.

Unafraid to pursue freedom from the things that weigh me down.

Unafraid to work hard.

Unafraid to make changes when they need to be made and accept the things that need to stay the same.

Unafraid to embrace my life for what it is and not what I think it should be.

Unafraid to be who I am rather than who I or anyone else thinks I should be.

Unafraid to challenge the status quo.

Unafraid to fail.

Unafraid to admit I don't have it all figured out and life isn't always black and white.

Unafraid to fully love God, myself and others.

So...my voice may shake, some days may be better than others, my over thinking mind may be asking my heart what the heck are you doing, people may disagree, mistakes will be made, but I will move forward in love and grace and I will be unafraid.

Why I didn't buy a Christmas countdown decoration...

Yesterday my roommate and I decorated for Christmas, which is one of my favorite activities of the year. I was especially excited because it would be the first time decorating my new home!! I couldn't wait to see how the Christmas tree looked, where each decoration would fit and to turn on all the Christmas lights. Also, we now have the two year tradition of watching Elf while we put them up and that never gets old!

We had to go pick up some things we didn't have, like stockings and a tree topper, so we were looking at all the Christmas decorations. We found a cute little thing that was a snowman who was holding blocks with numbers on it that you could change to make a countdown to Christmas. I thought it was so cute and it was 50% off so I figured, why not?!? I carried it with me around the store and then the more I thought about it, the more I didn't want it. 

I'm trying to approach this advent season differently than the years before. Every where you look there is a countdown to Christmas, reasons to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of the holiday, advertisements shouting at you that you need more, and giving us every reason to rush through the month to make it to that 25th day of December.

We miss the spirit of this season, we miss the times to be present with those we love, we miss the chance to slow down and wait in anticipation for what is to come. 

So, sorry cute little snowman countdown calendar, you won't be finding a place in my home because I want to choose to be present and take in each day, slow down and wait in an anticipation that allows each day to have meaning and purpose.