What Living Means to Me.

Probably at least once a month I ask the question, What is life? What does it even mean? Why are we even here? What's the point? I basically have an existential crisis on the regular.

The other day while I was brushing my teeth I was thinking about this. (What...am I the only person who has an existential crisis while brushing my teeth?) Why do we get up and do life every day? What are other people's motivations for going through life? What's the point of life? How is it that someone who does a repetitive monotonous job every day can have more joy than someone who claims to be doing exactly what they want to do? The questions continued tumbling in my brain, but then a thought stopped the tumbling.

The point of life is to live.

Duh, right?

I think this idea "to live" can mean different things to different people.

To me "to live" means to be fully who I am.

It means to do things that make me come alive.

It means finding joy in the little things and when I can't do that resting in the knowledge that one day soon I'll be able to again.

It means to love and invest in the people around me.

It means finding gratitude in what I've been given.

It means embracing wonder and being remarkably curious.

It means moving forward and growing.

It means acknowledging all the seasons of life and understanding we don't always live in a world of summers.

It means accepting all the parts of myself, the parts I don't like, the parts I love, and the parts I would rather ignore.

It means desiring wholeness and doing the hard work it takes to live into wholeness.

It means resting in my God-breathed worth and doing my damnedest to treat each and every person I come in contact with knowing they have God-breathed worth too.

It means realizing the point of life is to live. We aren't here to just exist and float through life. We're meant to be who we are. We're meant to love each other well. We're meant to be a part of something bigger than ourselves that involves a whole lot of love and a whole lot of wholeness...some people call it shalom.

The world needs more people who realize the point of life is to live! One of my all-time favorite quotes is from Howard Thurman:

"Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."

Figure out what makes you come alive. Figure out what living means to you.

Because the world needs you.

The world needs more people to be who they are and not who they think they should be.

It needs more people to come alive.

To live from our scars.

On the palm of my left hand, under my thumb, lives a scar. You can barely see it, but whenever I notice it I remember how I got it. My brother and I were little and we made a fort outside with old fencing as the barrier. My brother decided the way to get in was to jump over the fence. Because I wanted to do everything he did, I ran after him and took the leap. I didn't quite make it and my hand landed right on a spoke of the fence. There was blood, tears, a wound, but then healing and eventually a scar.

I recently heard Nadia Bolz-Weber speak and she made a statement that has stayed with me.

"When I preach, I preach from my scars, not my wounds."

When we preach or write or communicate in general, it can be easy to do it from our wounds. It's fresh, we're fired up, someone says something that triggers that wave of pain. Or we speak from that place where we haven't quite experienced healing.

It's okay that those places exist.

But do we live out of those places? Are we living from our wounds or our scars?

Think of your life like a water pitcher.  All the water inside is your life, your energy, your love. This sustains you and you can pour it out to others. At the bottom of the pitcher are rocks. When we're wounded the rocks float around in the water. There's a chance we could pour some of our rocks into someone else's pitcher.

When we've been wounded, it's easy to stay there. It's easy to not confront the hurt in order to heal. Hurt people, hurt people. People who live from their wounds, wound other people.

So how do we live from our scars instead of our wounds? Everyone is different with what that looks like, but I will tell you this. Everyone has wounds. Everyone.

Wounds can't turn into scars without healing and healing isn't easy. In order to get those rocks in the water pitcher to settle permanently on the bottom so they're there, but not being poured out into others, we've gotta heal.

When we live from our scars,  it's not ignoring the wound or the pain, rather it's acknowledging that it's there and is a part of us. It just doesn't dictate the way we live, the way we treat people, the way we communicate or the way we make decisions.

While I can't speak for what healing looks like for everyone, there are things I do that help me live from my scars rather than my wounds.

1. Counseling. Sometimes it's hard/impossible to walk through healing alone. Having someone to walk alongside you through that journey who has the skills and ability to hold up a mirror, to listen, or to affirm is priceless.
2. Time. I don't think the saying "time heals all wounds" is necessarily true. Time may heal all wounds, but the scar is still there. It's always going to be a part of you, but it doesn't have to define you. Do we take the time to walk through the hard things, to feel the grief, to lament what we need to lament, to not be okay in order to experience the healing?
3. Writing. I write to process and it's very clear the writings that originate from my wounds. Those are the ones most people will never see. For me it's writing, for others it's dancing or singing or running, whatever makes you feel most alive and helps you process. Figure that out and do that.
4. Self-care. The previous things mentioned are all ways I practice self-care and without them I would be lost. We need to realize that we must invest in ourselves if we truly want to invest in others. Remember the water pitcher? Doing the work of healing allows our wounds to turn into scars and settle to the bottom of the pitcher. Practicing self-care, engaging in life-giving practices and relationships allow life, energy and love to pour into our lives. When we do this our pitcher will overflow and we'll have what it takes to pour into others. Self-care allows us to love others and interact with them out of the overflow of our own life. It allows us to not pour our rocks into their water pitcher.

Everyone has blood, everyone has tears, everyone has wounds and everyone has scars. While one size doesn't fit all I do believe everyone is meant to experience freedom and healing so they don't live from their wounds, but from their scars.

I want myself and others to live healthy and thriving lives where we're able to come alive. We can't do that without doing the hard work of healing. This hard work leads towards wholeness.

Healing is hard, but it's worth it.

Living from our scars rather than our wounds is hard, but it's worth it.

The 3 Acts of Attending a Conference Alone.

Last week I attended the Festival of Faith and Writing in Grand Rapids. Basically a conference for writers or people in the writing world. I'm not sure if any of you have attended an event like this alone, but it can make you feel many things (or maybe it just made me feel many things).

Background

The Festival of Faith and Writing started in 1990 on the campus of Calvin College. In their own words, "The Festival has brought both new and established talent to speak about a variety of issues related to faith, ethics, justice, and the craft of storytelling." In my words, "The Festival was like the internet came to life and all of the bloggers and authors I follow were attending. Attendees were people that have published books, want to publish books, publish books or help people get books published and maybe people who just love the writing world. Regardless, it brings together lots of great people who care about faith and writing and value creativity."

Act I : I'm leaving early.

I felt like I did not belong. Every where I looked people were hugging, saying how it was great to see each other and it seemed everyone had a someone. I just had me. It was like everyone knew the drill, everyone had published a book, that everyone was a lot farther along than me.

I realized that I'm really forgettable. I tried to network, I tried to meet people that first day and everyone was nice, but we just exchanged pleasantries and they moved on.

"How am I ever supposed to make it in life if people forget about me as soon as they meet me?"  I think while I Google, "How not to be forgettable."

I ended the day thinking: I'm in way over my head. I should probably be more well versed in literature so I know what people are talking about. At least I'm fired up about the session I went to about peacemaking and I met nice people in the small group I attended. Who do I think I am claiming to be a writer? Maybe I'll head back to Tennessee early.

Act II : Stop being dramatic, it's not that bad.

I decided it was a new day and it would be better. I did belong there because well...I was there and I write things therefore I am a writer. Also, the day began by randomly sitting next to my favorite author. She was so nice and friendly and after our interaction I knew it would be a better day.

I started noticing how the people in attendance didn't have a posture of competition, but connection. Most people were so genuine and willing to connect. They were quick to shine the light on others.

I learned more about the book publishing process and the "business side" of writing.

"That's a lot of work and I'm not really sure it's worth it." I think while I text a friend and tell them my dream of writing a book maybe just died.

I was reminded of truths like: when there's a connection between your writing and your life it's powerful, writing is an act of faith and how we live in a world of hurry up and matter.

I attended a reception for The Redbud Writer's Guild and met some great people who were so nice. I ran into a few people I met the day before and got to know them better.

I skipped out a little early so I could retreat to my forever and always peace place:

I ended the day thinking: Maybe I'm not forgettable. Maybe I do belong. People are nice and maybe I'll even leave here with new friends. Maybe my dream of writing a book shouldn't be dead. I took in so much information today my brain might explode. Stop being dramatic, it's not that bad.

Act III : I Feel Alive.

At this point, I'm more comfortable. I've settled into this routine or as much of one as you can within 3 days of being somewhere. I'm fighting the exhaustion that comes with being an introvert at a conference who's easily overstimulated and has spent the last two days overcoming a few fears.

The first session I attended was about writing from your true self. They asked us what we have to say and contribute to the world that only we can?

"What exactly does it mean to write from my true self and to own my voice?" I think as I tell God that I'm sensing a theme emerge from this time away.

I started running into people I've met before and have longer conversations. I met up with a friend to have a deeper conversation, I went to dinner with another new friend and I met an online friend in real life whose blog I've been following. I felt the truth that connecting is so much richer and more meaningful than competing.

I ended the day thinking: I need to own my voice and be who I am. I actually made some new friends who are great and I think I'll stay connected with. I still think my brain might explode from all this information. Why does this have to be over? I feel more alive than I have in a long time.

Conclusion

It had its ups and downs, it was exhausting, but invigorating all at the same time. I learned so many things that have and will fill pages and pages.

I left better than when I came.

I'm glad I didn't stay in Act I, but stuck with it through the final act.

Uproot.

For the last six months a common question I've asked myself is this:

What lies need to be uprooted today?

I'm realizing the more work I do to work towards wholeness the more I have to come face to face with my own unhealthiness, with the lies I've always believed and the parts of me I would rather not focus on. It's not always enough to just acknowledge these things...you've gotta roll up your sleeves, grab a shovel and do the work to uproot them.

Author Sarah Bessey tells a story about how her family moved to a new house and they kept noticing patches of grass dying and mold growing. They would dig that part up and plant more, but it would just happen again. Come to find out from an old neighbor, a tree used to grow in the yard and after it was cut down the stump was left underground. It was killing the grass above. The grass couldn't grow in a healthy way until the whole tree stump was uprooted.

I think this is how lies work in our life. Even if we know they're there, they're still going to be destructive unless we do the work to uproot them.

At some point we believed that we would never be good enough so every day we seek and strive to show that we are.

At some point we believed that we weren't pretty enough so we live every day avoiding mirrors or buying the next thing that will make us look better.

At some point we believed that we always had to be strong so we live every day pushing away any weakness that comes up and putting on a happy face.

At some point we believed that one life matters more than another whether that's because of a difference in skin color, socioeconomic status, birthplace, sexuality or religion so we live every day thankful we're not like "them".

At some point we believed that there's not enough for everyone, that scarcity is the way so we live every day making sure we get what's ours.

At some point we believed that in order for me to belong someone else can't so we live every day glancing side to side, trying to stay relevant and not finish last.

At some point we believed that life is black and white and there's a set of rules to live by so we live every day in shame if we don't stay on the "right" side.

The lies could go on and on. These lies make us live in fear, they make us live in shame, they make us think we're not enough and the more time that goes on the deeper they take root.

It's not good enough to just know they're there. We have to uproot these lies that have grown deep into our souls.

My prayer every day is that God would uproot the lies that have taken root in my soul and that freedom and truth would bloom in their place. It's hard work, but it's the best work.

Uprooting these lies and replacing them with truth allows growth to happen. With the lies cleared out, the truths can be planted and actually take root.

So instead...

We believe we are enough and live every day ceasing the striving and resting in our God-breathed worth.

We believe we are beautiful and live every day in confidence that we don't have to meet any beauty standards, but we're beautiful because we are who we are.

We believe that no one can be strong all the time and live every day knowing it's okay to be weak sometimes.

We believe not one life matters more than another and live every day disarming any talk of "other" and do our part in writing a better story.

We believe that there could be enough for everyone and live every day looking for abundance and how to live with open hands.

We believe that we all belong, we belong to each other and live every day connecting instead of comparing and realizing where I am is not where you are and that's okay.

We believe that in life there are a whole lot of shades of grey and live every day ripping up our checklist, saying goodbye to shame and living into freedom.

Can you see the new, fresh sprout growing? Can you see the new life that comes when we uproot the lies that poison our souls?

Don't get me wrong, it is hard, hard work, but it's the most rewarding work.

It's soul work. It's "your Kingdom come your will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven work." It's wholeness work. It's worth it work.

Photo courtesy of inhabitat.com

Half.

We're not meant to be half. One of the worst sayings in the world is, "you complete me." Thanks a lot Jerry McGuire... and just so you know...no one can complete you. You're meant to be whole on your own. I believe everyone wants to be whole. No one wants to just be a half, or be just enough, or 2/3 complete.

I don't think everyone desires happiness, I think everyone desires wholeness.

I just finished reading the book, Learning to Walk in the Dark, by Barbara Brown Taylor and it's a great read. [I highly recommend all of her books] Taylor helps rewrite the narrative around darkness and our misconceptions and tendency to only associate what is good with light. She encourages readers to see what God could be teaching you "in the dark."

You can't have dark without light and light without dark. They're half of a whole. You need one and the other. You may not always want to acknowledge the wholeness that comes when there's light and dark because of fear or anxiety or uncertainty, but it's true.

Too often we try to be a half. We try to only accept the good. We try to only feel the happy things and push away the sadness, the anger or the unhappiness. We ignore that shadow side of ourself because maybe we don't want to deal with it or maybe because we were told it wasn't okay to have it. But, when we refuse to acknowledge that the hard times are just as much a part of us as the good times or don't take the time to realize that the sadness we feel is just as important as the happiness, we aren't living in wholeness. [Sidenote: Please watch Inside Out for further evidence of why this is important]

Barbara Brown Taylor has this to say:

To be human is to live by sunlight and moonlight, with anxiety and delight, admitting limits and transcending them, falling down and rising up. To want a life with only half of these things in it is to want half a life, shutting the other half away where it will not interfere with one's bright fantasies of the way things ought to be.

To be whole we have to accept the sunlight and the moonlight, the anxiety and delight, the light and the dark. To be human is to realize we can both fail and succeed, we can be happy and sad, and we can have limits and transcend them.

To be human isn't to be half...it's to be whole. And to be whole isn't about just "good" things or just "light" things...it's accepting all of who we are, all of what we've experienced and remembering that we live by both the sunlight and the moonlight.

 

Photo courtesy of pxleyes.com