Shaped.

I’ve been thinking about what makes me who I am, about why I am the way I am. When I think about where I am today and who I am, my mind goes to the people who have impacted me, who have walked alongside me, sometimes having to push me from behind and sometimes having to stand on the sideline and cheer me on. The people who have loved me and who have shaped me. The people in my life who have helped me become who I am today and continue to impact, influence and walk with me on my journey of life.

I think about the wonderful men and women who decided that middle school students were worth paying attention to and loving all the way through until they graduated high school (and that we’re still worth loving). These people who stuck with me through my teenage years, who encouraged me, who believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself and helped this uncertain girl see she had potential. These people who showed up, who let crazy teenage girls meet in their home each week, who gave up their weekends to go on youth retreats, who invited me into their office to share my heart and just listen, and who flooded my life with words of encouragement. People who were mentors, confidants, counselors and friends in a time of life where having that older, wiser and steady voice does a lot of good.

I think about friends. Friends I can say I’ve known basically since day one of my life, friends who I’ve gone through Kindergarten, 5^th grade, high school and college graduations with, friends who I said goodbye to for college but somehow we always find ways to be reunited, friends who I've known for a long time and some for not quite as long, but friends who have been there. Life long friends, friends who have loved me well and shown me that friends can be family.

I think about my teammates in Zambia. The three people I didn’t know one day and then the next lived with for eight weeks straight in a foreign country. People who blew me away with their acceptance, love and passion for life. People who taught me so much, who I experienced true community with and who made me feel like I belonged, in a season of life where I felt anything but, people who made me laugh until I cried, people who journeyed with me through an experience that will forever shape who I am.

The list could go on, really. So many people who are reminders that God must love me because he put so many amazing people around me. Reflecting on all of these individuals who have helped shaped who I am, I feel so much gratitude and it makes me hope and pray that I do the same for others.

And that I remember middle school girls are important to love, that making room for a high school student to be heard is so valuable, that walking with someone through the good times and the bad builds unbreakable bonds, that accepting people where they are for who they are is truly love, and that showing up is sometimes all someone needs. I can do this because others have shown me. I am who I am today, not just because of some experiences I’ve had or because I’m so great at life all by myself, but because of the beautiful, wonderful people in my life that I call mentor, family, friend, cell group leader, youth pastor and so on and so forth.  I just hope and pray that I can play a small role in "shaping" others, the way I have been so lucky to be shaped. 

A significant other.

I heard author, Shauna Niequist, speak at Lipscomb University recently. She is one of my favorite authors and I was excited for the chance to hear her in person. You can follow Shauna’s blog here and you should check out her books! Cold Tangerines is one of my favorite books ever. She has a way of writing about life, friendships, faith and hospitality that just makes sense and she’s great at sharing stories. Anyway…this isn’t about how much I love her, but seriously, check her out.

One thing she shared while she was speaking was this, “I want you to know and remember that just because you don’t have a significant other does not mean you are not significant.” It was refreshing to hear her say this and to know that her main audience of college students were hearing someone speak this truth over them.

I think this happens too much in the life of a young person. I know I have been made to feel like I’m not enough because I don’t have a significant other or I don’t have some “plan in place” for when I’ll have a significant other. It’s like my life hasn’t quite made it because I’m single, like my life isn’t quite as significant, like I’m in the waiting room for my life to finally be where it should be. I have been made to feel not enough or lacking.

Another wise woman in my life, my cousin Kendi, and she may not even remember saying this when we were together over Christmas, but we were talking about relationships and she said something like, “I don’t know why people act like having a “significant other” is the only significant relationship in someone else’s life.” My soul breathed a sigh of relief and shouted Amen!

Because that's the other side of the coin, why do we treat other relationships as not quite as significant as a boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife? Now, I know I’m speaking from someone who is lacking in both of those departments and I am in no way minimizing the importance of those relationships, but I think we need to get out of our box and realize we have a lot of significant relationships. In some ways, if someone were to ask me if I had a significant other I would say, yes, lots! (and then have a lot of explaining to do probably) :) But there are so many people in my life that I consider significant and who bring significance to my life. Beautiful friends who pour into my life and meet me where I am and show me that it doesn’t just take blood to be considered family, a beautiful community who shows me what it’s like to be there for each other, to enter into each other’s happy and not so happy places and a beautiful blood-related family who from my earliest of days have shown me acceptance, love and joy. These people are my significant others.

So friends, please know that you are significant, with or without that “significant other”, know that you are enough just because you are you, know that just because you don’t have a boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife you are not lacking as a person or lacking of significant relationships. Pour into the people around you, love the people around you, make room for the people around you and you will find there are lots of people with significance in your life. 

Love.

I have never been “in love”, in the romantic sense, but I would like to think that I am familiar with love. There’s a whole lot of people in my life who I fiercely love. There’s people in my life who are hard to love and more who are easy to love, but I try my best to love well.

The more I think about this whole Christianity thing…sifting through different theologies and beliefs, muddling through all the opinions, hearing the same passage of scripture interpreted in five different ways to support a certain point of view, rock hard definitions of what Christianity should or shouldn’t look like, attending church services and coming away with more questions than answers, the more I realize all of that is secondary and really it can all come down to one thing…love.

God is love. That’s it. It’s actually pretty simple, why do we make it so complicated? This simple truth that God is love, God loves us, therefore we need to love each other. It’s not as complicated as I think we make it.

I think this is why it’s always been hard for me to come to grips with people who claim to love Jesus, but are racist, who call homosexual people names, and who have no tolerance for people that look, act, or believe differently than them. It’s why it’s hard for me to wrap my head around how a pastor can preach a fear-mongering sermon against people who are different than them or how people post articles promoting division and conflict. I know I and others are in no way perfect, but to so blatantly promote hate and anything other than love, just doesn't make sense to me.

Typically, I try at all costs to avoid “hot topic” issues and controversial things, if it doesn’t breed peace and harmony, I usually stay as far away as possible, but in the spirit of being unafraid this year, I feel like I can’t keep my mouth shut anymore. I want to engage people in conversations that can lead to understanding and acceptance, even knowing that doesn’t mean we will always agree.

The fact that I can still read a racist comment about our president or see Facebook blow up about what happened at the Grammy’s or read articles about how people are mad “America the Beautiful” wasn’t sung in English makes me sick and I don’t understand it. Why are Christians spreading so much hate? How does that even make sense?

I love how The Message version says this in 1 John, “If anyone boasts, “I love God,” and goes right on hating his brother or sister, thinking nothing of it, he is a liar. If he won’t love the person he can see, how can he love the God he can’t see? The command we have from Christ is blunt: Loving God includes loving people. You’ve got to love both.”

We have got to do both. Hate has no room in our lives if we claim to follow Jesus. We need to make our lives about love. Love for God, love for each other and actually a love for ourselves.

Please join me in trying to love better. Loving those who look different than you do, loving those who act different than you do, loving those who believe different than you do, even loving those who don’t love you.

Because I’m pretty sure when God said to love your neighbor as yourself, he meant it.  Love the people you can see, it’s a great place to start.

Doubts

I just finished up reading the book, Evolving in Monkey Town, by Rachel Held Evans and I’m so glad I did. Rachel Held Evans is a blogger/author that I really enjoy reading and sometimes I feel like she’s writing the thoughts right out of my head, other times I feel like she’s articulating things I couldn’t articulate myself, other times I read something she writes and I’m unsure of it so I struggle with it and think about what it means for me, and other times she shares her experience and it brings tears to my eyes because I know I’m not alone.

Evolving in Monkey Town was the last one for me. It’s a story of Rachel’s faith journey and her experience with doubt. I would say our backgrounds are a little different, but her journey of faith and the doubt she experienced are very similar.

I feel like doubts are something you’re not supposed to talk about, so I haven’t. I feel like if I tell someone I doubt something about God or Christianity then they’re going to think I’m going to hell. I feel like if I talk about the fact that sometimes I’m unsure of what I thought I knew about God, people will discredit me. I feel like if I share what I really think about things and how over the last few years the world has faded from black and white to grey, people will “question my salvation”.

I don’t want to be seen as a cynic. I don’t want to appear to be unsure. I don’t want to be understood as someone who doesn’t believe in God.

Rachel says this and when she said, it echoed across my soul and mind because it’s exactly what I feel. I don’t doubt God…I doubt what I know and believe about God.

Through reading this book and other things, I’m coming to accept my doubt and I don’t think it’s a bad thing.

Because of my doubts my faith has become stronger.

Because of my doubts I’ve realized it’s okay to say, I don’t know.

Because of my doubts I have had to realize what I really do believe.

Because of my doubts I have developed an openness I didn’t have before.

Because of my doubts I’ve realized this thing of following Christ and choosing to love Him and because of that love to love others well is a journey, always evolving, and there’s always more to discover. More to discover about the mystery God, the person of Jesus, more to discover about myself, others, and God’s creation.

I’m not ashamed of my doubts. I don’t have this whole faith thing figured out. It kinda worries me when people think they do. I don’t want to ever think I have it all figured out or know it all. I never want to stop asking questions.

Because I believe in a God that invites our questions, can handle our doubts and wants us to keep moving forward. 

Why I didn't buy a Christmas countdown decoration...

Yesterday my roommate and I decorated for Christmas, which is one of my favorite activities of the year. I was especially excited because it would be the first time decorating my new home!! I couldn't wait to see how the Christmas tree looked, where each decoration would fit and to turn on all the Christmas lights. Also, we now have the two year tradition of watching Elf while we put them up and that never gets old!

We had to go pick up some things we didn't have, like stockings and a tree topper, so we were looking at all the Christmas decorations. We found a cute little thing that was a snowman who was holding blocks with numbers on it that you could change to make a countdown to Christmas. I thought it was so cute and it was 50% off so I figured, why not?!? I carried it with me around the store and then the more I thought about it, the more I didn't want it. 

I'm trying to approach this advent season differently than the years before. Every where you look there is a countdown to Christmas, reasons to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of the holiday, advertisements shouting at you that you need more, and giving us every reason to rush through the month to make it to that 25th day of December.

We miss the spirit of this season, we miss the times to be present with those we love, we miss the chance to slow down and wait in anticipation for what is to come. 

So, sorry cute little snowman countdown calendar, you won't be finding a place in my home because I want to choose to be present and take in each day, slow down and wait in an anticipation that allows each day to have meaning and purpose.