Risk and change

So my goal of blogging more in this year of 2013 is not off to a great start. We'll blame it on grad school starting...and my unhealthy obsession with two...okay maybe three TV shows. But seriously...grad school has begun! It's an adventure and some days I'm not 100% sure why I decided to do this. BUT...I'm three weeks in and I've already learned a lot.

I have realized that although I have always had a hefty dose of hatred towards school, I really enjoy learning. I love knowing things and learning more. I've had to remind myself with these classes that I'm doing this because I want to do it, not because I have to. This is information I want to know and that will make me better. Not only better at my job, but also just a better me.

I finished up my first paper this weekend. After about every form of procrastination you can think of (I even cleaned...yikes!) I submitted all seven pages (I know that's really not that many) of my leadership development plan. For those of you that know me (and honestly that’s kind of a silly statement because the three of you that actually read this know me)...I enjoy things like this. I love any reason to become more self-aware and talk about strengths, weaknesses and goals hence I'm loving my leadership development class (well...for the most part).

I had to make goals for myself in this plan, based on a test I took that indicated my "weak" areas or as my professor calls them "my areas for growth". Those areas were basically centered around taking risks and adjusting to change. Lets be honest, this is not surprising. You will not see me being the first one to lead the change effort or being the first volunteer for a risky task, but I’m learning.

I’m learning that life is dynamic and change is inevitable. I can’t always control it, but I can control how I react to it. I’m learning risks can be good. I can’t be afraid to do something because I might fail. Sometimes you’ve gotta put yourself out there to really live and to accomplish your dreams and goals.

So…my lovely blog readers or the few of you that actually made it this far (thanks Mom) you have permission to ask me how I'm doing in these areas. Accountability is so important and putting these out there shows what I’m not good at (does that count as taking a risk?) and allows others to challenge me in those areas (which can result in change)…see I’m on my way to getting better already. J  So bring on the, “Hey Abby, how are you doing with this?” or the “Hey lets go do this…you may not be good at it, but that’s okay.” or the “Hey that was a big change...how are you handling that?”

I am realizing I continue to grow and learn more about myself each day. I love this journey of life and in order to live it even more fully I think making goals to embrace change and to no longer fear risk is a step in the right direction. 

24 Things.

So I guess this is a tradition...I only have about an hour left of my 24th year so I thought it was a good time to make my list. I love any reason to be reflective so here is my list of 24 things that I've learned, experienced or let's be honest...just some random things that have happened over the last year.

1. I decided to do something I said I would never do...go back to school! I officially begin grad school at Eastern University on Monday. Eastern is in Philadelphia, but it's an online program that I'll do part time while working full time and I'll be traveling to Philly once a semester for a week long "residency". I'm actually excited about this...so strange, but true.

2. I have been blessed with some great and beautiful friendships. I feel like this is always on my list, but I'm really just amazed every year with God's faithfulness in providing me with the people I need in my life. I have the greatest friends ever.

3. I started meeting with a new lunch buddy twice a month. She's in 3rd grade and I spend about 30 minutes with her each time I'm there. She is fabulous and sweet.

4. I prayed for something exciting to happen in my life. That next week my house had a roof leak that led us to breaking our lease and I had to find a place to live in my neighborhood with new roommates within 48 hours or so...probably one of the most stressful weeks of the year. It all worked out better than I could have imagined and I live in a beautiful house with great roommates and neighbors!

5. It was another year of fun travels and trips. I took lots of trips with the "wolf pack", three beautiful ladies I'm blessed to call friends, our trips took us to Gatlinburg, Chattanooga, Ohio and Florida. I also went to Minneapolis, Kentucky, Memphis, Florida again and a couple trips to Michigan.

6. The Olympics happened. I love the Olympics and watched so much TV when it was on, it probably wasn't healthy.

7. I joined the Y and I love it. The cinema room is my favorite...watching movies while you work out just makes it more enjoyable. It's also fun to belong to something.

8. I got to hang out with and get to know even better two awesome teenage girls. They've had their ups and downs over the year and I love walking through life with them. Our year consisted of sleep overs, long conversations, some tears, and lots of laughs. I'm blessed that part of my job is hanging out with them.

9. I realized I totally lack self-control when it comes to buying music...Amazon is my weakness. It's just too easy to turn down a good deal and you can buy it with one click...I mean it's so easy...

10. I have come to know myself even better. I know I'm an extroverted introvert. I love being with people, but I need my space every now and then. I love deeply. It's so life giving to me to form and develop deep relationships. I struggle with anxiety and feeling weighed down by my own and others burdens...every day I have a conversation around this with God. I am a work in progress.

11. I saw my first Lions game. They played the Titans and were behind by two touchdowns so we left...and then they came back to tie the game. I wasn't happy.

12. I became lactose intolerant. It sucks.

13. I began to realize even more the importance of being present. I've spent so much of my life looking to the next best thing and wondering what would happen next.

14. I read the entire Harry Potter series and I loved it. I don't know what took me so long to read them.

15. I went to lots of good concerts. I saw Ingrid Michaelson a couple times, Maroon 5 a couple times, Explosions in the Sky and The Civil Wars. I got to go to the Grammy Nomination concert and it was so great! Okay...refer to #9.

16. There's two places I feel completely at peace...Lake Michigan and my backyard in Michigan...I'm so thankful I was able to spend time at both those places a couple times.

17. I went to a movie by myself for the first time. I was a little self-conscious at first, but I actually really enjoyed it and now it's happened more than once.

18. There's been multiple examples of how important communication is. Such a simple thing that maybe sounds cliche, but I've had hard conversations and been more honest with people this year than I ever have before. It's amazing what happens when you actually talk to someone about what you're thinking and feeling.

19. I read the book, A Year of Biblical Womanhood, by Rachel Held Evans. It's so good. It made me laugh, it made me angry, it made me happy, but most importantly it made me realize God did not make a mistake with me and it's a beautiful thing being a woman. Women are important and valuable and should be leaders too.

20. I fully embraced the fact that I just like to stay up to date on pop culture and some of my guilty pleasures in life include dance movies and pop music.

21. I'm getting better at creating boundaries in my life. They really are important.

22. I didn't blog nearly as much as I wanted to.

23. I never really knew it, but I just love babies. There are some kiddos in my life that I just fiercely love. The number of friends I have that have kids is gradually increasing and I'm always thankful for another precious soul to love and I'm thankful for friends that allow me to love their kids.

24. It was a year full of ups and downs, but I was continually blessed with the community in my life and the support I have around me. God showed up in so many incredible ways and I'm thankful for the way he's worked in my 24th year of life.

One Word for 2013.

One Word for 2013: Confidence

If you haven’t read my previous post…please read that first. You can find it here or scroll down...it's under this one. :)

I didn’t want to pick this word. I thought…what’s everyone going to think? That one question summed up the very reason why this is my word for 2013.

I want to live and lead a life of confidence. Confidence in who I am as a person. Confident in the fact that God didn’t make a mistake with me. Confident in the fact that I am who I am. Confident that I am where God would have me be and that he will equip me with the knowledge, wisdom and ability to do what He needs done.

I desire freedom from the constant thoughts of what does everyone else think and is all I do and who I am pleasing to everyone? I long to replace my constant anxiety with trust that the Creator of the Universe holds my life in His hands.

I desire…

Confidence in Christ. God does not desire for me to have a spirit of fear and anxiety, but of power, love and self-discipline. My confidence should come from him. I believe in him and trust in his power for my life as well in the lives of my family, friends and community, but what would that look like if I truly approached each day confidently trusting in that power?

Confidence in myself.  This one is hard. I haven’t always had the highest self-esteem or been the most self-assured. I think I have grown immensely in this area over the last couple years (another reason I choose this word…to keep the ball rolling). I’ve gone from thinking no one really cared who I was and thinking I didn’t have much to offer to knowing that I do have a lot to offer and fully understanding and accepting that my identify comes from being a child of God. It’s not from what people think of me, what I’m good at or how many friends I have.

Confidence in others. I don’t always trust people. Sometimes it’s because something has hurt me in the past and other times I’ve come to realize it’s because I project my anxieties and expectations on others. I like feeling secure in relationships and that’s not always realistic I don’t think, but I can choose to do what I can on my end in a relationship. I can always choose to love deeply, invest in relationships and to put myself out there. It may not be what I expect, some relationships may be short lived others may become forever friendships, but whatever the case I want to trust in others. I want to take the steps to really get to know people and continue to intentionally invest in others.  I want to give people the chance to know me and to make room for true community to develop. (Disclaimer: This point may seem scattered and not make sense…I’m having a hard time putting it into words)

I researched the word confidence and looked at different pictures and quotes and such and I found this verse. I think it says it well. 

So, friends, take a firm stand, feet on the ground and head high. Keep a tight grip on what you were taught, whether in personal conversation or by our letter. May Jesus himself and God our Father, who reached out in love and surprised you with gifts of unending help and confidence, put a fresh heart in you, invigorate your work, enliven your speech.

2 Thessalonians 2:15-17 (The Message)

One Word for 2013

I am not good at resolutions. I have a way of getting really excited about something and then once the initial excitement wears off I'm over it. I fully plan and commit to it at first and then after busyness and reality starts back up I forget them. However, I am good at remembering one thing and coming back to it and meditating on it and since I like to stick to things I'm good at…I have decided to pick one word to focus on this year of 2013. Come to find out there's a whole online community that partakes in this challenge. They explain it like this: 

Forget New Year’s Resolutions. Scrap that long list of goals you won’t remember three weeks from now anyway. Choose just one word.

One word that sums up who you want to be or how you want to live. One word that you can focus on every day, all year long.

Find out more about One Word 365 here.

I've been thinking about what word to choose for a couple of days now. The first word that popped into my head is the one I've been trying to avoid and it keeps coming back. I hesitate because it exposes me and reveals what I'm not always good at it (remember what I said earlier). I hesitate because I feel like choosing it is flinging open the doors of opportunity for me to grow in this area and that freaks me out. I know, I know...it's just a word, but it means more to me than just that. So here goes nothing…my word for 2013:

More to come about this in the next blog post. Stay tuned...

I went to Africa once upon a time…it wrecked my life.

 I can’t believe it was four years ago. It seriously seems like just yesterday. I can’t watch a commercial, see a picture, or even hear something about Africa without my heart aching. It’s hard to explain to people truly what Africa meant to me, so I usually just don’t.

Last night I attended the Mocha Club Birthday Bash Concert…it was incredible and the Mocha Club is doing some pretty great things. I am so glad I went and that I got to hear some of my favorite artists, but I also regret it a little. I regret it because I had tears in my eyes and my heart was heavy the whole time. Images of Zambia flashed through my mind. I can’t help but feel a little bit of a tug that I’m supposed to be there. Sometimes I intentionally avoid things that make me think of Africa because I don't always love having to deal with these emotions. It’s easier to just block it all out.

Honestly, I don’t know how to deal with these emotions or how to reconcile the tension and conflict it brings into my heart and my head. I love what I do and I believe I’m right where God would have me right now, but I can’t deny that a little part of my heart will always belong in Zambia. Because as hard as I try sometimes I will always remember…

I will always remember holding a sweet baby with AIDS who wasn’t expected to live past her 2^nd birthday.

I will always remember experiencing the hospitality of the beautiful people there and how they made room for us.

I will always remember the joy, hope and peace on people’s faces when they talked about how regardless of their material possessions they knew where their hope came from.

I will always remember the despair of the sick and diseased children and mother’s swarming us because they thought we could help.

I will always remember thinking; this is who I’m not supposed to forget.

I will always remember being so thankful that the people I met choose to love me.

I will always remember the beauty and wonder of seeing Victoria Falls for the first time and thinking if God cares enough to make something this beautiful, how much more does he care about all the brokenness we’ve experienced.

I will always remember stretching out to hold the hand of a woman with TB who we were praying for because we couldn’t stand the idea that she hadn’t experienced physical touch.

I will always remember the joy of watching a little girl look at herself on the side of our car because it was the first time she had seen her reflection.

I will always remember coming to the realization that I wasn’t there to save anyone or be anyone’s savior but to learn the fact that they had it right in so many ways. They love each other so well, they knew what it meant to be Jesus to someone, they knew, that God’s Kingdom is here and now and that there’s work to be done. They didn't blame God for the brokenness, but gave thanks to Him for allowing them to live each day.

I don’t say this to bring up feelings of guilt or thoughts of  “those poor people”, but I just don’t want to forget. I can’t forget. It’s all part of my story. Sometimes it’s part of my story that I don’t let myself think about. Sometime it’s part of my story I celebrate. Sometimes it’s part of my story I just acknowledge. But it’s part of my story that wrecked my life and I haven’t been the same since.