So much going on...

I feel like my mind is mush. Today is the first day in weeks that I've actually been able to stop and think about anything really. I've been going nonstop and it's so nice to just stop. It's also been difficult because things I've avoided thinking about are creeping into my mind. I guess God has been trying to tell me things all semester and I haven't been willing to listen and have totally missed the connections.

I've changed and grown a lot this semester. It may be in ways that no one else can see but myself and that's okay. It's things that needed to happen and that are shaping me. I am finally allowing the walls that I've put up around myself to be torn down. I'm starting to realize that I am worth it and I do have worth..if not in anyone elses eyes I do in God's and that is all the worth I need. I'm starting to actually give myself credit and realize no matter how anyone else makes me feel that I am worth it. I don't know how to explain this exactly without making myself look conceited but I guess I can say I have found my self-confidence in Christ and it's about time. :)

It's still a journey...and I know there will be times I fall and doubt but this is the first and most important step and it's the foundation of what I need to continue living my life the way I think Christ is calling me...but it is a journey so we'll see where I go.

That's just one part of the mush in my brain...so hopefully more entries are to come.

What is Compassion?

I've always considered myself a compassionate person. I could "feel" with people and I would sympathize with people. However, after reading the book Compassion for one of my classes my eyes have been opened to what it really means.

Compassion literally means to "suffer with". It doesn't mean to "bend toward the underprivileged from a privileged position; it is not reaching out from on high to those who are less fortunate below; and it is not a gesture of sympathy or pity for those who fail to make it in the upward pull."

I think I've spent a lot of my life like this; something always made me pull away and not get close enough. I would be sad and get angry by the girls situations at Baby Girls Club or by hearing a homeless man's story but honestly a part of me always kept distance and thought "I just feel so bad for them."

But not anymore...I think I've said before be careful what you pray for...I prayed that God would help me show true compassion and would break my heart for what breaks his...

Today at Baby Girl's I heard a girls story. She's 15, her mom is 28. She's the oldest of 8 kids. She's basically their mom. She was a product of her mother being raped at 13. I can't just hear that anymore and say I'm sorry that's too bad...because I know I'm called to more. I want to get to know her more and hear more about her and let her know someone is suffering with her. I can't live or love just reaching down anymore.

"Compassion means going directly to those people and places where suffering is most acute and building a home there. God's compassion is total, absolute, unconditional, without reservation. It is the compassion of the one who keeps going to the most forgotten corners of the world, and who cannot rest as long as there are still human beings with tears in their eyes. It is the compassion of a God who does not merely act as a servant, but who expresses the divinity of God through servanthood."

What an Experience...

So I went to the Christian Community Development Association (CCDA) conference in Cincinnati this past week. I went into it not knowing what to expect and therefore my expectations were highly surpassed. It rocked me and was probably the best thing that could have happened to me. I learned so much not only about community development but about myself and what God would have me do with my life. My new hero is John Perkins and I plan on reading every book he's written. And God has finally torn down some walls and opened my eyes to things that if I would have been listening sooner would have happened earlier but I finally got smart enough to listen. More to come on this later...

Check them out...
www.ccda.org

Overwhelmed and Angry.

Okay...honest blog here. Posted for the sole purpose of being specific about how I can be prayed for and what's going on...okay kind of a vent too I guess.

I'm just feeling overwhelmed with life at the moment. Too much to do. Going from class to class, homework assignment to homework assignment, obligation to obligation. I don't feel like there's always enough time in the day.
I feel like my life is spinning out of control and I'm just in a free fall. I realize this feeling of having no control could be good...but I don't consider myself quite a control freak where control is usually an issue in my life so the feeling I'm experiencing isn't the best.
I know I can be better. Sorry I suck at being a friend and a student and a person at times...I know I can be better and I'm not. I know I'm a work in progress and I frustrate myself daily with my many let downs.
I don't know what to do with my future. At the moment it just makes me feel burdened so I refuse to think about it...hey may not be healthy but it's what I'm doing at the moment.

I need prayer...and I'm blessed to have people in my life who pray for me (at least i think they do ;) I know I can be dramatic and my life isn't bad at all...but if this overwhelmed feeling could pass that would be wonderful. :)

This is beautiful...

May God bless you with anger at injustice, oppression and exploitation of people.
SO THAT you may work for justice, freedom, and peace.

May God bless you with tears to shed for those who suffer pain, rejection, hunger, and war.
SO THAT you may reach out your hand to comfort them and turn their pain to joy.

And may God bless you with enough foolishness to believe that you can make a difference in the world.
SO THAT you can do what others claim cannot be done to bring justice and kindness to all our children and the poor.