A picture speaks a thousand words.

They say a picture speaks a thousand words. This is one of the pictures I have in my room and to me it says a lot. Every time I look at it I usually expereince two emotions. A deep sadness that makes me ache, but also a complete joy. A deep sadness because I miss Zambia so much and I don't know what to do with myself sometimes. When I look at this picture and any others from my trip this summer it makes me miss them. I miss the beautiful people I met, miss the love they have for the Lord and for each other and the great community I experienced when I was there. I don't think I can truly express or have people understand how badly I miss it or how many times a week my heart just aches to be in Zambia.

I also experience joy. Joy that God is working there and I had the opportunity to be a part of that and spend my summer living there. A joy that I was able to experience what so many people don't and that it had a lasting impact on me. A joy that although I know the people there experience poverty, pain, suffering, and death they have hope and peace and know that they serve a God who is bigger than poverty, pain, suffering, and death. I'm thankful for that because sometimes I get so overwhelmed by the suffering and all I know to do is pray. I pray for them often and think of them tons. I don't know what the Lord has planned for me but if it was to go back there I would, or if it was to stay here and pray from afar I can do that too. I guess we'll just have to see.

Opened Eyes.

Ok so here goes nothing...I know that the few people that really read this are people that care about me (well I hope so) :) and that I know will lift me up in prayer so I'm trying to be honest. I think I've come to a breaking point. I'm not sure if any of this will make sense but we'll just have to see.

I have been struggling lately. Just being in a state of numbness and confusion. I have felt blah some days, great on other days and just clueless overall sometimes. I feel like it's been a roller coaster ride. I've been hurt but am healing and the last few days I've just had some things really heavy on my heart and I couldn't figure it out. I've been praying God would open my eyes to what I need to see.

In this time I've become broken over my sin. I feel like God has really opened my eyes to the filth and dirtiness of my life and it literally disgusts me. Obviously I've always known I've sinned and wasn't perfect but for some reason I feel like I was more blinded to my own sins. I feel like the scales have fallen off my eyes and I not only see myself and what I really look like but also other things in my life.

I'm not sure if this makes sense without going into too much detail but I've been praying continually since the summer that God would break my heart for what breaks his and sin breaks his heart. My sin. Your sin. All of human kind's sin. It's always easy to look around and realize the sin or be judgmental even of the sins of those around us, but it seems so easy to overlook your own sin.

Realizing and being broken over my own sin has made me more aware of God's grace and love in my own life and how that extends to other peoples lives also. I'm a sinner in need of a savior and I think I'm starting to fully realize that concept.

Just ordinary

So my whole life I've always thought I was just average, just ordinary. Nothing really special about me, nothing that stood out or was too impressive. I really struggled with this last summer in Zambia because I felt like everyone on my team was really good at something and I wasn't good at anything. I re-read through my journal the other night from the summer and I what I read was exactly what I needed to hear. In my journal I had written a quote from a book I read called The Dangerous Surrender.

"Ordinary people. God uses ordinary people. He chooses people just like me and you, who are willing to do as He commands. God uses people that will give Him all, no matter how small your all may seem to you; Because little becomes much as you place it in the Master's hand."

I may be ordinary, but that's okay. I know I'm willing to do as Christ commands and I'm willing to give my all to Him. And I know he can make something I think is just ordinary into extraordinary.

Faith and Promises

I feel like recently I've had multiple conversations about faith and the power of God. One friend has reminded me that God has the power to answer our prayers and how often do we pray with the faith that actually shows we believe our prayers will be answered? In church we talked about faith and what that means exactly. Having faith in someone or something means you trust they are good for their word or their promises. I know I have faith in Christ and I believe, but I think I forget too much what all God promises us. He doesn't make empty promises and I need to remind myself of that. Before I left for Zambia this summer I made a list of some of the things God promises us.

God Promises:

- His power is made perfect in our weaknesses (II Cor. 12:9)
- The testing of our faith produces perseverance. (James 1:3)
- We will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on us. (Acts 1:8)
- God will complete His work in us. (Phil. 1:6)
- The peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard our hearts and our minds. (Phil. 4:7)
- He will comfort us. (II Cor. 1:3)
- He removes our sins as far as the east is from the west. (Ps. 103:11)
- He can do immeasurably more than all we can ask or imagine. (Eph. 3:20)
- If we seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, all these things will be given to us. (Math. 6:33)
- He will never leave us or forsake us. (Heb. 13:5)
- He will protect us from trouble and surround us with songs of deliverance. (Ps. 32:7)

I know the list could go on and on, but these are just a few. I know we serve a God who doesn't give up on us and doesn't make promises in order to break them. It should be our greatest comfort to know that God can't break a promise. So why does it seem like we forget these so easily and don't truly draw on the power of God in our lives? I don't know why...but I want to be reminded of these promises and that we serve a God who is faithful to those and who will never leave us or forsake us.

Random train of thought...but it's going somewhere.

So every night since I've been in 7th grade I have wished upon a star. The same three wishes every single night. Corny and dumb I know. But it all started when me and Emily Kopicko promised we would wish upon a star every night when we were apart in the summer. So one is slowly coming true and the other two are lacking, but anyway...it made me think how dumb it is to wish upon a star and that led me to thinking that even though its dumb my wishes are pretty legit. And why is it so easy to "wish upon a star" every night, but not pray about them every day?

Then this got me thinking about how big the sky is and even bigger God is. And then that made me think of the passage in Revelation that talks about the Throne in Heaven and it put into perspective who I pray to and how amazing our God is.

"...There before me was a throne in heaven with someone sitting on it. And the one who sat there had the appearance of jasper and ruby. A rainbow that shone like an emerald encircled the throne. Surrounding the throne were twenty-four other thrones, and seated on them were twenty-four elders. They were dressed in white and had crowns of gold on their heads. From the throne came flashes of lightening, rumblings and peals of thunder...Also before the throne there was what looked like a sea of glass, clear as crystal...in the center, around the throne were four living creatures, and they were covered in eyes...Day and night they never stop saying. HOLY, HOLY, HOLY is the Lord God Almighty who was, and is, and is to come..."

Anyway...random I know, but honestly that's how my brain works pretty much all the time. And it usually leads to some somewhat good thoughts. We serve a huge God that in his presence all you can say is Holy, Holy, Holy...that is amazing to me.