Not sure how to say it...

I don't know how to explain what I'm feeling. I'm angry and feel helpless. I don't think I've cried this much in my life. Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed by the problems of this world that I don't know what to do or how to function. How can I live in my perfect comfortable American world when there is so much out there that isn't right?

Some days...I can't eat and I get consumed by the thoughts of those out there that don't have anything. I question in these times. Not that God isn't there and that it's his fault, but why we as a church haven't rose to the occasion and found a solution to help these people suffering, not only around the world but in our own neighborhoods. I know my ways aren't God's ways and he does have a plan. That's where I find hope and peace. Knowing that I serve a God whose heart breaks at the pain and suffering of this world. We serve a God that loves us and never leaves us. He is in the middle of the pain and suffering and cries with us.

But I don't know what to do...I don't have the words to say...I feel helpless...and I question...but God is good and it's in him I must put my trust. All I can do is my part in being part of the solution and praying for a solution. I pray that I wouldn't lose this "holy discontent". I don't ever want to become comfortable with what I have and the standards that the world gives us. I will change and help with a solution because that's all I can do. I pray that God would use my life not only to glorify him in all that I do, but to use me as his hands and feet to reach the unreachables and touch the untouchables so that they may know Jesus. I pray that he would ignite the passion in others and in His church so that social injustice won't happen any longer and that people would feel the freedom that comes with following Jesus.

When will this happen? I don't know...what can I do? Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck. I want so bad to hop on a plane back to Zambia...I miss it so bad it hurts. But I'm growing where I'm planted. I'm working on being Jesus' hands and feet where I'm at. I'm allowing God to shape me and stretch me through the turmoil and pain that I go through so that I may serve Him better. I don't want to forget or run away from the ugliness of our world because that's the easy thing for me to do but instead bring something beautiful to it...

The Power of Prayer

I have really been learning about the power of prayer. It seems like it should be so basic and something everyone just knows but I don't think I've ever truly believed or realized the power of prayer. God has been teaching me this starting this summer and continually every day. One verse we referred to often this summer was in Ephesians and talks about how God can do immeasurable more than we ask or imagine and the verse that talks about how nothing is impossible with God. Do we really believe that and do we pray like we believe it? Those are things that I knew but never prayed like I did. But now I do. There are so many people in my life that I pray for. Even if they think they need it or not or even if they know I do or not...it doesn't matter, because God hears me and he's always working. There are still certain friends and people that my heart breaks for and that I've been praying for for years, but a new urgency has come because I now truly throughout my core believe that prayer is powerful and that God can do immeasurable more than we ask or imagine and that I need to pray continually. So even if I think its impossible...it's not for God.
Just a few people that I love and pray for...

He knows the plans...

It's so easy to become impatient. Not only in my own life but hearing others talk about theirs and wanting an answer to come to them also. Sometimes I don't understand why things happen the way they do, but I am learning to trust in God's timing and plans. He knows the plans he has for me and my life and I need to find rest in that fact.

I know God knows where my life is going and that is so freeing to me. The God of the universe has a plan for ME, wow. When I read things in the Bible about how we're precious in His sight and how he loves us and will never leave us, sometimes I can't believe that the creator of the world and Savior of the Universe finds me precious. It blows my mind sometimes and I'm amazed at God's grace.

I'm so glad I serve a patient and understanding God. I've struggled with being in school after this summer and wanting to just drop out and move to Africa to serve in the mission field. Not a day goes by that I don't remember and see the smiles of those little kids or the tears of the overwhelmed mothers or hear the overpowering sound of their songs in church. But I know I'm here at school for a reason and there is a season in your life for everything. Going to Zambia changed me and just reaffirmed my call and passion to serve those that are in need and need to know they have a Savior that loves them and calls them His children.

So sometimes I get impatient and do want to just drop out and move to Zambia, but I'm here. As my mom tells me, I need to grow where I have been planted. :) And that's what I wake up every morning reminding myself to do. I am in Nashville not Zambia, but there are still countless ways I can be serve, whether its at Baby Girl's Club, Room In the Inn, hanging out with girls on my floor, or loving those around me, God can and will use me where I'm at and that's something I can't lose sight of.

Praise God that he is patient with me and listens to my crazy ideas and dreams I have for my life. Praise God that he reminds me daily of ways I can love on others around me. Praise God for giving me life and giving me the opportunities that I have to serve. Praise God that he knows the plans he has for me and there's no need for me to be anxious.

A heavy heart.

I just got back from Baby Girl's Club (BGC) and my heart is heavy and broken. I'm beginning to regret praying a prayer that I've said since before I left for Zambia. I've prayed that God would break my heart with the things that break His and that I would have the eyes of Jesus to see others they way he sees us. I'm regretting it...

I'm the leader of the eight and nine year olds at BGC and today we were doing prayer requests. These aren't the requests I'm used to. A little girl asked for prayer for her dad who is in jail, another whose uncle is "on the run", and another whose sister's baby might be taken away. They started talking about the custody of the baby when another little girl said oh that's what I was...a "custody baby". Little girls shouldn't have prayer requests like this, but they do and it's their life.

My heart breaks when an eleven year old girl tells us she's afraid and hates going home. Her dad just got put in jail and her mom married a drug dealer and they do drugs in the house. What kind of life is that?

How much easier would it be to block all these things out and not care? But I have prayed that prayer and it's coming true. My heart is breaking and breaking and breaking. I can't imagine what God goes through seeing his children going through what they go through. These little girls don't deserve the life they have.

I want to do something for them, but all I can do is love them. I have the chance for three hours a week to show them Jesus and give them the love they deserve, even if it's disciplining them (I had to break up a fight today!) or hugging them they deserve every ounce of what I have to offer. It isn't much but I pray that God can use me and the other BGC volunteers in their life to show them that people do care and are here for them. So if you think about it...send up a prayer for a baby girl and that God would break your heart with what breaks his. It hurts, but is worth it because it allows you to love that much more!

The Haves and the Have Nots

"Of the 6.4 billion people on the planet, about 1.2 billion are so poor they live on less than a dollar a day."

"In the world today there are about 160 billionaires and about 2 million millionaires, but there are approximately 100 million homeless people."

"Americans spend about $5 billion per year on diets to lower their caloric intake, while 400 million people around the world are undernourished to the point of physical deterioration."

These statements make me want to throw up and cry. They make me want to scream and question. They make me want to do something. These statements come from a book from my Social Problems class. Poverty...a social problem.

Why do so many people have, while so many people have nothing? What are we doing about it? How can we make those that are the "have nots" become those that have something. Something more than the one dollar a day they live off of.

When I read these statements faces come to mind. These aren't just statistics...they are people, families, single mothers, homeless men and little girls. As a wise person in my life says I'm facing statistics that have faces. Not only through the children in the streets and villages this summer, but driving on the road outside my own school and seeing the housing projects, working with Room In the Inn and hearing homeless men's stories, and going to Baby Girl's Club and experiencing the lives of these precious little girls.

Why do some people have and some have not? I really don't know the right answer to that, but I do know that because I "have", a responsibility comes with that. "To whom much is given much is required". Some people say we are blessed...yes maybe we are but what about those in poverty, are they not blessed? Maybe instead of just blessed we're privileged. We're privileged to have what we have and we need to be good stewards of that. Not only good stewards of our money because we really may not have an excess of that, but with our time. I've committed my life to being a good steward of my time, my money and my life. I can't stay in my comfortable so called blessed life while there are people in this world with nothing...I have to make a difference and I pray that God uses me in any way possible to accomplish that. :)